Prepare To See The Name “Lindsay Lohan” On The New York Times Best Seller List Very Soon

Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 (which happens tomorrow), and she talked about what the next chapter in her life holds. According to Lindsay Lohan, everyone’s favorite actress-turned-sloppy mess-turned-really sloppy mess-turned-future Mrs. Rich Russian Guy is writing a book. The people in charge of handing out Pulitzer Prizes should probably go ahead and start practicing how to engrave the name “LINDSAY DEE MORGAN (whatever her middle name is) LOHAN“, because they’ll be calling her freckled ass to the podium to collect all the awards sometime in the not-so-distant future.

For those of you hoping that Lindsay’s book will further explore her feelings about the current political climate in the UK, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to look elsewhere for that book. It sounds like Lindsay’s book is going to be more of a self-help memoir thing.

“I am in the process of writing a book, and I am very excited to share my personal experiences in life and how to overcome obstacles. I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place. I am grateful that I have a voice, which I can now feel comfortable using as a platform to let people know that we all have ups and downs in life, and we can all come up from the downs if we get in touch with our inner self and spiritual side.”

Not since the news that Dina Lohan might have written a tell-all have I been so excited for a work of delusion-scented fiction.

Lindsay’s interview wasn’t just to drum up some interest (and possible investment funding for when everyone passes on her dirty cigarette-stained manuscript and she’s forced to self-publish) in her future book. She also talked about what 30-year-old Lindsay Lohan has planned next. Guess who’s returning to acting?!?

“Making more films, writing my book, starting my charity, working with children a lot. Maybe having some of my own soon—after I get some movies done, first.”

She also had some stuff to say about Dina’s parenting skills.

“I wouldn’t call things regrets, per se. I can’t turn back time. But if I could, I would have listened more to my mother and gone back home to N.Y.C. earlier in life and chosen my friends more wisely.”

“My mother taught me to always be humble, and that is something I live by still today.”

Is “humble” Lohanglish for “a mess“? It might be. Maybe Lindsay’s book will include a glossary in the back. Speaking of Dina…it’s too bad Lindsay hasn’t completed her book yet. I’m sure Dina would have loved to have had some reading material during her recent hospital visit. TMZ says that Dina was taken to the hospital last Friday after complaining about stomach pains. Doctors didn’t know what was up, so they kept her for observation. Dina’s stomach pains have moved to her neck and back (cue Khia’s “My Neck, My Back“). She’s had several CAT scans and MRIs, but nobody seems to know what’s going on.

She’s still hanging out in the hospital, which means she’ll miss out on her main meal ticket’s 30th birthday party in Greece this weekend. Thankfully Dina sent TMZ a picture from her hospital bed to prove that she’s doing ok.

Get well soon, Dina! Hopefully someone was kind enough to replace your IV drip sac with a boxed wine bag of “peeno greesh.”

But back to Lindsay’s book. I don’t know if she’s thought of a title yet. But in the event she’s having trouble coming up with something, I went ahead and brainstormed a couple ideas for her.

My Life in Leggings
Confessions of an Apricot Ashtray
How To Steal from Friends and Get Busted by Other People
You Do You, I DUI

Or, if there wasn’t a chance she might get sued by the estate of J.D. Salinger for copyright infringement, The Snatcher of the Ryes. The full title of which would be “The Snatcher of the Ryes: But Not Just Ryes – I’ll also snatch bottles of vodka, gin…whatever I can get my hands on while the bartender isn’t looking, really.”

Pics: Wenn.com, TMZ