Allison is out today, because it’s National Lasagna Day, and even though it’s an American holiday, she still takes it very seriously. So it’s just you, me and the legendary elegant blossom Samantha Fox!
Celebrity Big Brother started up again in the UK yesterday, and it feels like every season, the producers try to stretch the definition of “celebrity” more and more. They’ve outdone themselves this year, because if you’re not British and don’t follow British TV, the list of “celebrities” will have you saying “WHO?” so much that your co-workers will think that an owl somehow got into the office. But that’s okay, because Samantha Fox is in there and she has enough star power to fill up the house, the city of London, the country of England and the world!
The only thing Justin Bieber should be offered is a one-way ticket to Mars, but for some reason, the organizers of a GOP event offered him a pile of money that’s even bigger than his throbbing pus-filled ego. Republican donors really, really wanted the butt paste clinging to Canada’s ass crack at their event and offered him $5 million for just a 45 minute show. Scott Baio is normally only full of shit, but today he’s also full of sadness and rejection, because he totally would’ve performed his mega hit “How Do You Talk To Girls” at that event for an Uber ride and a Trump butt plug.
The real story here is that someone interviewed Jean-Claude Van Damme in the year 2016.
JCVD is doing a speaking tour (????) in Australia next month and so he did a bunch of satellite interviews from Bangkok to promote it. During one of the interviews, the Muscles from Brussels’ last nerve got twisted up over the questions he was being asked and he dramatically busted out of there. Either JVCD’s walk-off was fake and staged to show the people that they would get some DRAMA in his speaking show, or he was genuinely not amused by the questions that were tossed his way.
Taylor Swift used to say “shit list,” but since she says it so much and has to clean her mouth out afterward, she ran out of soap real quick.
Troian Bellisario is on your 12-year-old niece’s favorite show Pretty Little Liars (and yes, I am your 12-year-old niece because I used to watch it religiously) and so since she’s a celebrity, she was at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia this week. Cosmopolitan was also there, and in between working on an article titled, “25 Anti-Hillary Dirty Talk Lines That Will Make Your Bernie-Or-Bust Boyfriend Bust Faster,” they talked to Troian about politics and shit. The “shit” being the feud between the Veronica in Betty’s body, Taylor Swift, and matching butt plugs Kanye and Kim Kartrashian.
“Shelly is just staying with some friends.” – David Miscavige – OurMissC
Tim Kaine’s wave!
Ever since my eyes first captured Tim Kaine greeting the people, I’ve been meaning to pay tribute to his glorious butterfly fluttering wave. It was in full effect on the last night of the Democratic National Convention. The internet keeps saying that Tim Kaine IS your dad, but to me, Tim Kaine is your nice uncle. He’s the uncle who always called you “buddy,” wrote a Dr. Seuss quote on your graduation card and once got away from the grown-ups at a family party to watch Homeward Bound with the kids (but left when he started to get emotional). But back to his magnificent spirit fingers.