“Whassat ’bout a bump? Yeah, gimme one of them. Better make it a double cause I (inaudible mumble) fink I’d (inaudible mumble) hahahah….Shaaaraaaaaaan.”
A few weeks ago, sources were whispering that Sharon Osbourne’s heart was once again beating for her estranged cheater husband Ozzy Osbourne. It sounded like there was a chance that Sharon and Ozzy might not make their latest split a permanent thing after all. Until then, Ozzy hadn’t commented on the status of his relationship (he left that up to Kelly Osbourne, who informed everyone that her parents’ marriage wasn’t done). Ozzy’s finally talking about the latest drama between him and Sharon, and the drama’s over, everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.
Jennifer Aniston received a lifetime achievement award in Italy this weekend, and not for Dealing with a Lifetime of Pregnancy Rumors from the Italian branch of the International Society of Supermarket Tabloids. It was just a plain old lifetime achievement award from Europe’s largest children’s film festival, the Giffoni Film Festival.
Because it would have been rude of Jennifer to show up, grab her lifetime achievement award and a couple sfogliatelle from the catering table, and hop back on her private jet, she answered some audience questions. If my teen self got to ask Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Jennifer Aniston a question, it would probably be for an itemized list of every designer Rachel Green wore during all 263 episodes of Friends. The children and teens of Europe are much more mentally deeper than I was at their age, because The Hollywood Reporter says they asked serious questions about gender equality and bullying.
It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
I’m not even going to make you guess what it was for, because I’m 99.9% sure that everyone who read that headline just said “For fighting someone, right?“. Although to be honest, guessing that Katt Williams got arrested for fighting is right up there with answering “Yes” to the question “Is cheese delicious?” on the list of Questions With Truly Obvious Answers.
TMZ says that Katt Williams, seen above working The Nolte for the latest mugshot in his collection, was arrested for battery of a female employee at the Sportsman’s Lodge restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA on Sunday morning. This marks the second time this year that Katt Williams was arrested for beating down an employee at a restaurant, was accused of whooping a woman, and the second time this month that he’s gotten into trouble. Does Katt Williams have a Times I’ve Fucked Up punch card he’s trying to fill?
The details of the fight are kind of murky. All TMZ really knows is that a female employee alleged that Katt Williams attacked her. According to police, the employee had visible minor injuries and was pretty adamant that they arrest Katt for battery. How the alleged fight started, no one can really say. But since it’s Katt Williams we’re talking about, do we really even need a reason why? I’m sure Katt Williams himself doesn’t require a reason to go full-Katt Williams on someone.
Katt was taken into custody around 2:40pm and was released around 6:30pm after posting $20,000 bail. And before Katt walked out the door of the police station, he turned to the booking officer and started belting out “We’ll Meet Again.” That didn’t actually happen, but I like to think that one of these days it will.
Pic: Los Angeles County Sheriff
Sick and tired from years of CPR training, Resusci Andy now requests that you blow elsewhere. – perky
A rare image of the bathrooms at the RNC – Cinnamongirl
Bandito and Luigi, the real life Milo & Otis!
I don’t know why this keeps happening to all of us, but it’s Monday again and before our already-bruised and battered brains get punched with more shitty news and dragged through a gutter full of smegma, let’s feed it a tiny nugget of adorableness in the form of this story about an adventure starring a pug, a pussy and two hot pieces. Bandito the Pug and Luigi the Puss became Instagram stars after their humans, Sebastian and his partner Finn, created their own page and posted pictures of the 497-mile long journey they took through Spain.
Verdine White (65)
Conor Kennedy (22)
Andrew Caldwell (27)
Michael Welch (29)
James Lafferty (31)
Shantel VanSanten (31)
Tera Patrick (40)
Michael C. Williams (43)
Miriam Shor (45)
D.B. Woodside (47)
Matt LeBlanc (49)
Wendy Raquel Robinson (49)
Illeana Douglas (51)
Bobbie Eakes (55)
Katherine Kelly Lang (55)
Darren Star (55)
Geoffrey Zakarian (57)
Thurston Moore (58)
Estelle Getty (1923-2008)
Your part is done, Calvin Harris. You can move on now. The Taylor Swift ex and nondescript DJ has posted a Snapchat video of himself lip-synching to Kanye West’s verse on Schoolboy Q’s “That Part.” This could be some shade for his ex as she’s currently….oh you know.
Calvin also could have been emulating Kim Kartrashian, who posted a Snapchat video of her own (do these people ever put their fucking phones down?) in which she mouths the line from “Famous” that has ruined reputations and sparked a culture war! (I’m just trying to psych myself up for having to post about this again. Forgive me.)
Calvin might still be salty over the Snake Squad head spilling the tea on her authorship of his hit single with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For.” Calvin, have a seat and take a look at this photo. That could have been you. You could have been wearing that. Anyone wearing that has his balls cozied away in a popsicle stick purse that a certain fork-tongued blonde pop star crafted herself at summer camp. You don’t want to be that guy.
Check out Calvin Harris’ video below.
Selena Gomez kicked off the international leg of her Revival Tour in Indonesia last night on her 24th birthday. Birthdays can hit you hard. This one apparently kicked Selena’s ass because she got teary on stage while introducing her closing song “Kill Em’ With Kindness.” Afterwards, she got social media-teary on Instagram. It was some “I need to do better” rambling. Wow, Project “Taylor Swift Has Been Victimized, You Guys” can stress a gal out.
Room actress (and The Clash at Demonhead lead singer) Brie Larson was confirmed to play Captain Marvel in Marvel’s first solo female superhero movie yesterday at San Diego Comic-Con. Upon hearing this, Scarlett Johansson donned her Black Widow catsuit before showing up at Marvel Studios head Kevin Feige’s house to inquire, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
You can watch Larson’s entrance to Marvel’s Hall H event below. Deadline reports that she’s been rumored to be Marvel’s #1 pick to play Carol Danvers (Captain Marvel’s civilian name) since earlier this summer.
— Fandango (@Fandango) July 24, 2016
Oooh, here’s the part where I get to utilize my insane comic book knowledge that prevented me from getting laid in high school! Marvel created Carol Danvers in 1968 as a supporting character to the male Captain Marvel. She got hit by a beam or something and became Ms. Marvel! She was sort of Marvel’s attempt to create the first “feminist” heroine. That translates as a female comic book character who didn’t defer to her boyfriend while constantly calling him “darling” and was allowed to punch things. Ms. Marvel got her own title in 1977, but it didn’t last very long. She was pretty minor until she joined the Avengers in the 80s and has since grown in popularity. They killed the male Captain Marvel off (with cancer, which isn’t very comic-booky) and she finally inherited the name (and a bomb-ass jumpsuit) in 2012. The flick is scheduled to come out in March of 2019. Jesus, I’m going to be piddling into my Depends and Marvel will still be turning the crank on the money machine.
Oscar-winner Brie’s talented so I’m sure she can pull this off. Luckily, she won’t have to wear Captain Marvel’s old costume which consisted of a leotard and the sluttiest superhero boots you’ve ever seen. Check them out in the gallery, along with some of Carol Danver’s other looks over the years (yes, she briefly had a star for a head), and shots of Brie looking decidely un-superheroic while shooting The Glass Castle in Montreal this past week. She looks like her trailer’s septic tank just glitched and she’s having to trudge over to the neighbors to use theirs.