Last night at a Drake show in Chicago, Kanye West gave his wife a gold star in Snatchchatting and said that nobody can talk shit about him anymore (we can and we will). As Kanye showed the people that delusion still powers his brain, his nemesis Taylor Swift was all the way in Santa Monica, CA having a romantic dinner with Tom Hiddleston at the chain restaurant Hillstone. Sources say (no they didn’t) that the dinner was so romantic that Tom only looked down once at the Countdown app on his phone to see how much longer he has on his contract with her. Okay, he may have also looked at it real quick while she texted her publicist to let the paps know that they were about to sashay out.
The last time we checked in on the status of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s not-quite-together/not-quite-divorced situation, sources claimed that she had such a wonderful time in Europe with her estranged husband and their kids while he shot Justice League. It was so wonderful that when she returned home, she refused to talk about those divorce papers that she hasn’t filed. It all sounded very romantic, like a tourism campaign aimed at estranged couples who want a really expensive band-aid for their marriage problems.
Several other sources have spoken out recently and they say that Ben and Jen’s time in Europe didn’t make them call up their travel agent and book a second honeymoon in Turks and Caicos, as InTouch would like you to believe. A source tells E! News that any stories about Jen and Ben getting back together are as bogus as some of the hairs on his head.
“There are no plans for a second honeymoon anywhere. They are 100 percent still separated and focused on co-parenting for the kids’ sake.”
Another source adds: “It is a fabricated story. They are not honeymooning, but they are just continuing along.”
Jen and Ben have been separated for over a year, and since then it’s been constant back-and-forth updates from “sources.” One day a source will say that a candle is still flickering in Jen’s heart for Ben and every trip they take to the Brentwood farmer’s market is bringing them closer together. The next day a source will say Jen is merely tolerating Ben’s ass for the sake of their three kids. I don’t know who these sources are, but they should all apply for jobs writing original screenplays for the Hallmark Channel.
I guess one way for always-broke Tori Spelling to make ice cold Candy Spelling feel sorry for her and give her money is to go out in public wearing a beyond tragic ensemble made out of a dusty $2 tablecloth from a dead lady’s estate sale, a macrame wall hanging from The Salvation Army and vintage doily bib that was once worn by a Victorian baby. That outfit is so busted that not even Dean McDermott would fuck it behind Tori’s back.
For some weird reason, Tori Spelling is still invited to things and last night she and Dean showed up to a charity event called Raising The Bar To End Parkinson’s in Studio City, CA last night. If Tori Spelling really wants to end Parkinson’s, she has a funny way of showing it, because that dress is doing the opposite. It’s got me shaking my head. But seriously, I thought that one of the main reason for inviting someone to a charity event is so that they’d donate actual money. You know “money,” the thing that Tori and Dean reportedly don’t have. Tori and Dean probably “accidentally” left their wallets at home and then they pulled out a duffle bag and filled it with the floral centerpieces, which they later sold outside of a Conroy’s florist shop.
Then again, I would’ve never heard of the Raising The Bar To End Parkinson’s event if Tori didn’t show up wearing a giant lace dildo cozy. Tori is raised awareness, so she totally deserved those floral centerpieces.
Apparently Mary J. Blige’s “family affair” no longer includes her husband of 12 years. Oh, that was lame, even for me. According to TMZ, Mary has filed for divorce from her husband and manager, Kendu Isaacs. TMZ says that in the papers, Mary cites “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why she doesn’t want to be married to Kendu anymore and lists the separation date as “to be determined.”
Mary has also requested that Kendu be blocked from asking for spousal support. TMZ isn’t sure if there’s a prenup or not, which means there’s a chance this might get messy. I hope not, though. When Mary said “no more drama in my life“, I really wanted to believe it. But knowing Mary and Kendu’s history, I’m starting to think I might have to let go of that dream. Mary and Kendu got married in December 2003 when he was still just her record producer. A short while later, Kendu became Mary J’s manager, which is always a super smart move. Eventually people started whispering that shit between Mary and Kendu was no bueno. In 2009, Mary reportedly slapped Kendu at a CD release party after she caught him looking at a cocktail waitress (her rep later denied it). A couple of years ago, Mary went on The Wendy Williams Show to quiet the rumors that her marriage was done.
Mary has said in the past that she and Kendu have a strict “no opposite-sex friends” policy in their marriage. So of course their marriage bit the dust! If Mary and Kendu get so horny for the opposite sex that they can’t even go out for something innocent like coffee with a person without the chance that they’ll do their friend on the sink in the Starbucks bathroom, then yeah, maybe marriage isn’t the right choice for them.
All together now (to the tune of the “flyyyyy” part of Wind Beneath My Wings): ♫ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♫
Garry Marshall’s body has barely gone cold and those butchers at Lifetime have already made plans to pull out one of his classics and hack it to bits. Deadline reports that Lifetime has given the thumbs up to a remake of 1988’s Beaches starring Idina Menzel. Even though Idina’s look is more “Hillary” than “CC,” Lifetime has cast her as C.C. Bloom, the role that Bette Midler played to perfection in the original. Lifetime’s version will include the songs “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “The Glory of Love,” as well as new and original songs. Lifetime’s Bitches (on purpose typo and it stays) will terrorize our TV screens next year. Here’s a few more details from Deadline:
Allison Anders (Ring of Fire) will direct the Lifetime remake from a script by Bart Baker (Honeymoon with Harry) and Nikole Beckwith (Stockholm, Pennsylvania). Di Novi and Greenspan executive produce for A+E Studios. Production is set to begin on August 15.
Whenever I scream, “ILLEGAL,” over Hollywood slaughtering another classic from our childhoods, some trick will e-mail me to say that remakes happen, get over it and blah blah blah… I know, the audacity of someone accusing me of being melodramatic! But the thing is, it sounds like Lifetime isn’t even doing anything new with Beaches. It seems like they’re just bringing it into “modern day” and since Lifetime is doing it, it’ll be low-budget as hell and the beach scenes will be shot in the sandbox of a park in the Valley somewhere.
If they insist on remaking Beaches, they should do something new. Do an all-animal version starring Bandito and Luigi! Or a gay version! One way to get Richard Simmons to twirl out of retirement is to offer him the role of C.C. Bloom in an all-gay remake of Beaches.
Here’s the basic cable CC Bloom yodeling at a gala in NYC last month:
I’m sure that while watching celebrities pick sides during this year’s US presidential election, you’ve thought to yourself, “Okay, but who is the Y’all-y Jean Giant voting for?“, because whose mind isn’t that question on the top of? You can stop wondering who Blake Shelton will be voting for this November. Blake recently spoke to Billboard about a bunch of things, including the election. Blake doesn’t say the words “I will be voting for ____“, but let’s just say he’s a big fan of a certain expired BBQ chip grease-colored candidate.