Archives: July 2016

Licking On Donuts Cost Ariana Grande A White House Performance

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Those eyes! The photographer was able to capture truly the fiendish imp that dwells within her! We learned this week that, much like The Blair Witch Project, The Fappening has a sequel. It’s called The Fappening 2: Fuck The DNC. Russia recently infodumped a whole mess of e-mails (20,000!) belonging to high-ranking Democratic National Committee officials via Wikileaks. Besides hating on Bernie Sanders, the leak revealed that Ariana Grande licked herself right out of a gig. Well, the “I hate Americans. I Hate America.” utterances probably didn’t help her, either.

Gawker reports (via the DNC hack that once again proves we should all just go back to paper and pen) Mimi Lite was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala“for President Obama. (Apparently the kids in Finance are big fans.) Finance chair Zachary Allen asked that Ariana be vetted before they let her hide the fact that she can’t dance from POTUS.

“Ariana Butera,” Deputy Compliance Director Kevin wrote in an incredibly detailed response. “Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

FYI – “Ariana Grande-Butera” is her real name. So Ariana’s ass was vetted. She was vetted to a crazy extent. They even noted how she tried to blame fat people for #Donutgate. Nevertheless, a guy by the name of (no, really and oh, this poor guy when he was a kid) Bobby Schmuck vetoed the donut-licking USA hater. He vetoed her very simply.

Nope, sorry.

Yes, you’ve been shut down by a guy named Schmuck. Schmuck was right. What if she started licking the various whore derves and desserts at that gala? What if she touched her tongue to several people’s crème brûlées before taking the stage to awkwardly “sexy frug” for POTUS? Thank you, Russia, for bringing this valuable intel to our attention.

Pic: Splash

George Harrison Told The RNC Off From Beyond The Grave

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Ford, sure. Trump, no. Even dead rock stars want Trump to cut the shit and stop using their music. George Harrison’s estate didn’t feel the enthusiasm when Ivanka Trump strolled out to introduce her rotting naranja father accompanied by the The Beatles’Here Comes The Sun” at the RNC this past week.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

The “Not The One” Swan whose last nerve has snapped and now he’s on a mission to destroy all model boats in his path!

Lakes are a swan’s home, and one swan in the town of Needham Market in Suffolk, England is done with intruders, like model boats, trespassing on his private space and has declared an all-out war on those bitches. The Telegraph says that the Not The One Swan of Suffolk is putting the HAM in Needham by going crazy on anything that gets in his way. The swan has destroyed around 8 model boats and one of those boats reportedly cost £15,000. (I know, the REAL story here is that a model boat can cost thousands of dollars.)

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Birthday Sluts

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Woody Harrelson (55)
Daniel Radcliffe (27)
Krysta Rodriguez (32)
Tristan MacManus (34)
Paul Wesley (34)
Michelle Williams (36)
Tom Parker (39)
Stephanie March (42)
Kathryn Hahn (43)
Monica Lewinsky (43)
Marlon Wayans (44)
Alison Krauss (45)
Charisma Carpenter (46)
Stephanie Seymour (48)
Slash (51)
Eriq La Salle (54)
Lydia Cornell (63)
Edie McClurg (65)

Pic: Pinterest

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Night Crumbs

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow’s friend Mario Batali burped up his thoughts about a couple of her exes. Mario liked Brad Pitt, but really wasn’t into Ben Affleck and he even made a nanny joke. I love that Mario Batali throws nanny shade at Ben Affleck, but his opinion is invalid as long as he insists on wearing those Satanic shoes made from the devil’s colon. Invalid! – Lainey Gossip 

We could’ve lived in a world where Brangelina weren’t a thing and Gwen Stefani won a Razzie for playing Mrs. Smith – Celebitchy

I thought that headline said “Jose Canseco’s Nipples” and I got so confused…. – Drunken Stepfather

Ramona Singer’s mouth farted out the duh of duhs – Reality Tea

I’m sure one of the Duggar sons will be looking to “court” soon, so Backdoor Farrah should hold out for one of them – The Superficial 

If you play tennis, then follow Charli XCX’s lead and wear this sporty yet elegant ensemble the next time you hit the court – Egotastic!

Colton Haynes is doing Scream Queens 2Towleroad

Emma Roberts’ bringing “dominatrix secretary” to Comic-On gets a yes from me, but I have a feeling that her suffocating, overheated chichis don’t feel the same way – Popoholic

The Fixer Uppers from HGTV are getting their own magazine – Starcasm

Chloe Grace Moretz, Debra Messing, America Ferrera, Eva Longoria, Lena Dunham, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato and Alicia Keys are all speaking at next week’s Democratic National Convention. I know, no Susan Sarandon. I’m overfilled with SHOCK! – IDLYITW

Emily RideAJetSki’s nalgas, here they are – Hollywood Tuna

The Fappening hacker will spend the next 6 months fapping in a prison cell bunk bed – HuffPo

I guess I need to start watching Bates Motel again so that I can witness RiRi’s impeccable acting as Marion Crane – Just Jared

My dream of Hillary Clinton picking Angelyne as her running mate didn’t come true…. – Popsugar

Pic: PBS

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FYI: Goopy Paltrow Was Doing Yoga Before Yoga Was Cool

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.

While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:

I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.

I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].

You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:

Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.

Pic: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Celine Dion Trying To Twerk

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

The diamond-encrusted French-Canadian nightingale can usually be found belting out musical notes of gold into the ears of her fans in Las Vegas, but she is now sharing her magnificence with the world while promoting her new album Encore Un Soir. Last night, Celine Dion fluttered into The Tonight Show and played that game where a guest and Jimmy Fallon take turns doing a totally off the cuff musical impersonation that they totally didn’t rehearse beforehand.

Celine delivered her best Cher (which sounded like Celine Dion with laryngitis), her best Sia (which sounded like a Valley Girl Celine Dion) and RiRi. The international treasure got up out of her seat and sang out a mash-up of Work and Row, Row, Row Your Boat while trying to twerk. Watch as Celine works that ass and vocal cords:

That twerk is a little “puppy with worms rubbing its puppy ass against the wall,” but since this is Celine Dion doing it, I will declare her the GREATEST  (French-Canadian million superstar) TWERKER IN DA WORLD! And here’s pictures from this morning of Celine Dion looking like a disco ball going to a casual business meeting while performing on Today.

PicsWenn.com

Balthazar Getty Says Cheating With Sienna Miller Made His Marriage Stronger

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Now let’s go all the way back to 2008 when Sienna Miller was inducted into the Famous Homewreckers Hall of Fame after getting with actor and Getty heir Balthazar Getty. Back then a single Sienna hooked up with Balthazar who was very married at the time to the mother of his four kids Rosetta Getty. Eventually Sienna and Balthazar called their affair off, and he went crawling back to Rosetta.

Some would think that leaving his wife and four kids – FOUR KIDS – so that he could bang Factory Girl on a series of expensive boats would be enough for Rosetta to leave her dead marriage in the morgue, but the opposite happened. She took him back two years later.

Balthazar – who is now a DJ, apparently – recently spoke to the Evening Standard (via Daily Mail) about The Sienna Years. Balthazar considers what happened with Sienna seven years ago to be “ancient history” and he doesn’t like to talk about it anymore. What he would like to talk about is how Sienna’s cooch should seriously consider getting certified as a couples counselor, because his marriage to Rosetta is “stronger” than before. Balthazar also released this nugget of cheater enlightenment:

“Without going down, you can’t rise again.”

Poor Sienna. “Going down?” What did she do to deserve such barely-subtle shade? Oh, right. But like Balthazar is one to talk: rising and going down on someone other than Rosetta was what got him in trouble in the first place.

Here’s Balthazar looking like a barber from The Matrix with his wife at a charity event last month.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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