Archives: July 2016

The “Wonder Woman” Trailer Is Finally Here

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

After waiting for what feels like 6,789,400 years for Wonder Woman to finally get her own movie, the trailer for the WW movie moistened tips with nerd nectar when it was shown at Comic-Con in San Diego today. I only screamed, “SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER, SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER,” like 6 times while watching it, so that’s a good thing.

The trailer opens up with Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) finding Chris Pine on the shores of Paradise Island, and I prayed she wouldn’t start singing “A Part Of Your World,” because that beginning part gave me way too many Little Mermaid vibes. But thankfully for all of us, she doesn’t and the trailer then gives us Robin Wright on a horse, Wonder Woman doing some kind of Matrix floor slide and Wonder Woman taking down bitches with that Lasso of Truth. (I can’t wait for Halloween when messes dress up as WW and carry around a Lasso of Truth made of Christmas lights plugged into a tiny generator.) Never mind that Gal Gadot’s acting is a little on the “my Ambien is about to kick in” side, I am all for her preparing to destroy tricks with her sword while wearing a gown.

I am not a superhero nerd at all, but Lynda Carter as WW was one of my glamour icons as a child, so this trailer made me feel this weird thing called emotion and it warmed the blackened ice orb I call a heart. I had to go and look at a picture of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston to feel cold and bitter again. The only thing that trailer is missing is an invisible plane and Lynda Carter showing Gal Gadot how to spin into her Wonder Woman outfit as the 70s WW theme song plays. I’m sure that scene is in the final cut.

Since we’re on the subject of visual nerd lube, DC also squirted up footage from the Justice League movie at Comic-Con today. This shit has way too much Batffleck and not nearly enough Jason Momoa nipples.

Amber Rose Analyzes Kanye Vs. Taylor Swift

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Emoji mogul, Slut Walk founder, and now talk show host Amber Rose has something to say. Has she a talk show? Good on her! This clip (see below) didn’t irritate me. It’s because Amber’s ENORMOUS boobs transfixed me. They look like she’s yoked two feeding piglets. Those are some mammaries. Tits aside, Amber used her new VH-1 talk show as a platform from which to provide the earth with her take on the Kim and Kanye Kardashian-West vs. Taylor Swift situation. Did Amber attend the #KimExposedTaylorParty? Did she add a snake emoji to that deceptive Laura Ingalls Wilder impersonator’s Instagram? Kinda.

USWeekly reports that Amber, admitting that she’s not her ex MC Finger Puppet’sbiggest fan,” cited the 2009 VMAs Ima let you finish incident as evidence that Kanye wouldn’t go in on Tay Tay again.

“It was just a very hard time for him,” she recalled. “I watched people say that they did not want to work with him anymore because of it. … I know that Kanye would never ever go through that again by not calling Taylor and say, ‘Heads up, I’m about to go write this verse real quick. Just wanted to make sure you’re cool with it,’” Rose said. “I know that about Kanye.”

However, Amber closed her Kuntye forum by bringing up her presence as a wax effigy in Yeezy’s video for “Famous and offering her ex and his Chinese finger trap ass some sage advice.

“So, I say all of that to say: Why didn’t I get a phone call for using a naked wax figure in your video, Kanye?” Rose said to the camera, referring to West’s controversial “Famous” music video, which features a bevy of famous faces naked in bed with the musician. “I mean, Taylor gets a call but I don’t get a call. … Please stay the f–k out of the news so I don’t need to talk about your ass anymore.”

Wiser words have NEVER been spoken. Make sure that applies to the WHOLE family, Yeezus.

Check out more pics of Amber Rose filming her show on Hollywood Blvd. on Wednesday below.

Pics: Splash

Licking On Donuts Cost Ariana Grande A White House Performance

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Those eyes! The photographer was able to capture truly the fiendish imp that dwells within her! We learned this week that, much like The Blair Witch Project, The Fappening has a sequel. It’s called The Fappening 2: Fuck The DNC. Russia recently infodumped a whole mess of e-mails (20,000!) belonging to high-ranking Democratic National Committee officials via Wikileaks. Besides hating on Bernie Sanders, the leak revealed that Ariana Grande licked herself right out of a gig. Well, the “I hate Americans. I Hate America.” utterances probably didn’t help her, either.

Gawker reports (via the DNC hack that once again proves we should all just go back to paper and pen) Mimi Lite was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala“for President Obama. (Apparently the kids in Finance are big fans.) Finance chair Zachary Allen asked that Ariana be vetted before they let her hide the fact that she can’t dance from POTUS.

“Ariana Butera,” Deputy Compliance Director Kevin wrote in an incredibly detailed response. “Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

FYI – “Ariana Grande-Butera” is her real name. So Ariana’s ass was vetted. She was vetted to a crazy extent. They even noted how she tried to blame fat people for #Donutgate. Nevertheless, a guy by the name of (no, really and oh, this poor guy when he was a kid) Bobby Schmuck vetoed the donut-licking USA hater. He vetoed her very simply.

Nope, sorry.

Yes, you’ve been shut down by a guy named Schmuck. Schmuck was right. What if she started licking the various whore derves and desserts at that gala? What if she touched her tongue to several people’s crème brûlées before taking the stage to awkwardly “sexy frug” for POTUS? Thank you, Russia, for bringing this valuable intel to our attention.

Pic: Splash

George Harrison Told The RNC Off From Beyond The Grave

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Ford, sure. Trump, no. Even dead rock stars want Trump to cut the shit and stop using their music. George Harrison’s estate didn’t feel the enthusiasm when Ivanka Trump strolled out to introduce her rotting naranja father accompanied by the The Beatles’Here Comes The Sun” at the RNC this past week.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

The “Not The One” Swan whose last nerve has snapped and now he’s on a mission to destroy all model boats in his path!

Lakes are a swan’s home, and one swan in the town of Needham Market in Suffolk, England is done with intruders, like model boats, trespassing on his private space and has declared an all-out war on those bitches. The Telegraph says that the Not The One Swan of Suffolk is putting the HAM in Needham by going crazy on anything that gets in his way. The swan has destroyed around 8 model boats and one of those boats reportedly cost £15,000. (I know, the REAL story here is that a model boat can cost thousands of dollars.)

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Birthday Sluts

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Woody Harrelson (55)
Daniel Radcliffe (27)
Krysta Rodriguez (32)
Tristan MacManus (34)
Paul Wesley (34)
Michelle Williams (36)
Tom Parker (39)
Stephanie March (42)
Kathryn Hahn (43)
Monica Lewinsky (43)
Marlon Wayans (44)
Alison Krauss (45)
Charisma Carpenter (46)
Stephanie Seymour (48)
Slash (51)
Eriq La Salle (54)
Lydia Cornell (63)
Edie McClurg (65)

Pic: Pinterest

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Night Crumbs

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow’s friend Mario Batali burped up his thoughts about a couple of her exes. Mario liked Brad Pitt, but really wasn’t into Ben Affleck and he even made a nanny joke. I love that Mario Batali throws nanny shade at Ben Affleck, but his opinion is invalid as long as he insists on wearing those Satanic shoes made from the devil’s colon. Invalid! – Lainey Gossip 

We could’ve lived in a world where Brangelina weren’t a thing and Gwen Stefani won a Razzie for playing Mrs. Smith – Celebitchy

I thought that headline said “Jose Canseco’s Nipples” and I got so confused…. – Drunken Stepfather

Ramona Singer’s mouth farted out the duh of duhs – Reality Tea

I’m sure one of the Duggar sons will be looking to “court” soon, so Backdoor Farrah should hold out for one of them – The Superficial 

If you play tennis, then follow Charli XCX’s lead and wear this sporty yet elegant ensemble the next time you hit the court – Egotastic!

Colton Haynes is doing Scream Queens 2Towleroad

Emma Roberts’ bringing “dominatrix secretary” to Comic-On gets a yes from me, but I have a feeling that her suffocating, overheated chichis don’t feel the same way – Popoholic

The Fixer Uppers from HGTV are getting their own magazine – Starcasm

Chloe Grace Moretz, Debra Messing, America Ferrera, Eva Longoria, Lena Dunham, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato and Alicia Keys are all speaking at next week’s Democratic National Convention. I know, no Susan Sarandon. I’m overfilled with SHOCK! – IDLYITW

Emily RideAJetSki’s nalgas, here they are – Hollywood Tuna

The Fappening hacker will spend the next 6 months fapping in a prison cell bunk bed – HuffPo

I guess I need to start watching Bates Motel again so that I can witness RiRi’s impeccable acting as Marion Crane – Just Jared

My dream of Hillary Clinton picking Angelyne as her running mate didn’t come true…. – Popsugar

Pic: PBS

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FYI: Goopy Paltrow Was Doing Yoga Before Yoga Was Cool

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.

While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:

I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.

I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].

You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:

Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.

Pic: Wenn.com

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