Archives: July 2016

An “Auntie Mame” Movie Starring Tilda Swinton May Happen

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t carry cash, so I when I read the headline “Tilda Swinton Is Your New Auntie Mame,” I grabbed my wallet, pulled out one of my good credit cards, blew it for luck and threw it at the screen. Take my money!

Screenwriter and actress Annie Mumolo is in Bad Moms, and so she did an interview with Vanity Fair to pimp it out. Annie also co-wrote Bridesmaids and she tells Vanity Fair that otherworldly creature Tilda Swinton is a big fan of that movie. Tilda e-mailed Annie and they became pen pals. It’s kind of disappointing knowing that Tilda e-mails like the rest of us regulars. I’d like to think that she writes letters on paper made from the wings of fairies in ink made from the thick jizz of a virile unicorn and sends it via a blue carrier pigeon. But Tilda e-mails, and in one of her e-mails to Annie, she brought up Auntie Mame. That led to Annie agreeing to write a modern-day Auntie Mame movie for Tilda. How do you say “GOD YES” in Venusnese, which is Tilda’s first language.

Lindsay Lohan Apologizes For Airing Her Personal Shit On Instagram

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

If Lindsay Lohan’s private life was a room, its walls would be glass, it wouldn’t have a door and outside of it would hang a neon blinking sign that read, “LOOK AT ME” But after the train wreck situation with her alleged cheating and beating Russian fiancé went down, she put a privacy sign on her private life and asked everyone to respect it. But today, LiLo removed that privacy sign for a second to say sowwy for accusing her piece Egor Tarabasov of dipping his untrue dick into a Russian hooker’s leased cooch.

Kanye West’s Nightmare Video For “Famous” Got A Couple MTV VMA Nominations

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

The nominees for the 2016 MTV VMAs were announced earlier today. The bad news for Taylor Swift is that she got zero nominations. The good news for Taylor Swift is that two people she’s currently feuding with got nominations, which means her name will automatically get dragged into just about every conversation about the MTV VMAs on the internet today. Congratulations, Taylor!

Open Post: Hosted By The Reason Why “Shake It Off” Exists

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

There’s finally an answer to the question: Why does that Jackson 5 B-side of a song Shake It Off exist? The answer is: So that oldies can make the world a happier place by recreating its video!

A group of senior citizens did their own version of Shake It Off  a couple of years ago, but recently, 50 residents of the Julia Wallace Retirement Village in the New Zealand city of Palmerston North went all out in their recreation. The Guardian says that the seasoned Kiwis sought out to do a nearly shot-by-shot remake of Taylor Swift’s video for Shake It Off and they spent a week learning the words and moves. The whole thing was professionally shot and produced, and it included cameos from staff members and grandkids. One of the retirement village residents sewed all of the costumes.

The average age of the abuelitas and abuelitos in this video is 82 and they’re combined age is 4,000. The most physical activity I do all day is lift a heavy ice cream sandwich up to my mouth while using my toes to change the channel on the remote sitting on my coffee table, and here’s these oldies busting their asses. Shake that hip replacement off, granny!

This ain’t their first viral rodeo either. They did a flash mob to Pharrell’s Happy at a shopping center, and last year they went all Calendar Girls by taking off their blouses for a charity calendar. I wonder if they take requests, because my life is incomplete until I see their shot-by-shot remake of RiRi’s Bitch Better Have My Money.

That video is just the sparkle this ugly world needed. But when I watched, I couldn’t help but think that those memaws and pepaws look so happy and innocent and they have no idea that Taylor Swift is probably going to sue the dentures out of their mouths for this. They’ll have to make ends meet by singing Shake It Off on a street corner for change, and yes, Taylor will sue them for that too.


Jinger Duggar And Her Courtin’ Partner Aren’t Wasting Time

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s fourth-oldest daughter Jinger Duggar is only 22 years old, but in Duggar years that’s practically ancient. She’s only got a few more years before her uterus shrivels up and lays back in a rocking chair to watch Matlock reruns while trying to open up hard candies. So Jinger better git on that, and she is!


Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Wife Claims He Owes More Than $48,000 In Child Support

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Jeremy Renner’s real-life daytime soap opera relationship with his ex-wife Sonni Pacheco continues! Sonni Pacheco, the Canadian model Jeremy was married to for 10 months and the mother of his 3-year-old daughter Ava Berlin, has accused Jeremy of a whole sweep week’s worth of drama in the past. She’s accused him of fraud and stealing her passport, being stingy with the child support and living in a danger nest of guns. Now TMZ says she’s accusing him of leaving her bank account high and dry to the tune of more than $48,000.

Sonni recently filed legal documents stating that Jeremy is a first-class deadbeat daddy who has fallen behind in his child support payments. Jeremy and Sonni finalized their divorce back in December. He agreed to pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Jeremy may have that Marvel money, but according to Sonni’s documents, he hasn’t been handing it over. Jeremy allegedly owes 4 months of child support payments, which totals $48,367.

Because Sonni’s accusations seem to always come in pairs, she’s also accusing Jeremy of repeatedly refusing to pay his half of Ava’s preschool tuition. Ava’s preschool tuition is $1,600 a month.

Sonni is asking a court to force Jeremy to cut her a check for the $48,3267 in unpaid child support, as well as make him foot the entire bill for Ava’s preschool each month. Sonni also included an alleged text message from Jeremy side-eying her current money situation:

“I’m not sure why you keep coming after more money here Sonni. I don’t have the cash to give you. I’m sorry you can’t figure out how to care for [Ava] with over 300k.”

No word on what Sonni will do if she doesn’t get that money, but I have a feeling it will start with the word “mysteriously leak” and end with “intimate videos“?

I am all for Sonni getting that unpaid child support. If someone owes your ass money, and you know for a fact that they’re bringing in some serious box office dollars, go get it. But asking him to also pay $1,600 a month for preschool on top of that? Maybe she could just take Ava’s preschool tuition payments out of Jeremy’s monthly child support checks? See, this is clearly why I’d never make a good gold digger. You can’t #getmoney by trying to think thrifty.


It’s The End Of An Era: Miss Cleo Has Died

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from the millions of “I wonder if she saw it coming” jokes on Twitter and everywhere else, the legendary Miss Cleo (born name: Youree Dell Harris) has died. Miss Cleo died at a hospital in Palm Beach County, Florida this morning. She was only 53 years old.

Miss Cleo’s rep tells TMZ that she was battling that mega asshole cancer and checked into a hospice center last week. Miss Cleo was surrounded by her friends and family at the time of her death.

The iconic TV psychic and Joanne the Scammer’s inspiration made the 90s a lot more fun. Youree Harris, who was born and raised in the US, slapped a manufactured Jamaican accent on her tongue to play “Miss Cleo” in a series of masterpiece commercials for the Psychic Readers Network from around 1997 to 2003. Miss Cleo quickly became a pop culture icon. Miss Cleo left Psychic Readers Network after the Federal Trade Commission charged the company and her with deceptive advertising, among other things. Miss Cleo was never indicted.

Once she left PRN, Miss Cleo mainly stayed out of the spotlight, but she did voice the character of  Auntie Poulet in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in 2002 and she publicly come out as a lesbian in 2006. And in 2014, Miss Cleo made a comeback of sorts. She was in the documentary Hotline and starred in a commercial for French Toast Crunch (screen shot above). The Psychic Readers Network later sued Youree for that commercial claiming that they own the rights to “Miss Cleo.

She spoke to Vice in 2014 about her career and back then, she said she was still working as a phone psychic and had customers from all over the world:

Oh, yeah, my clients are international, sweetie. I have clients in New Zealand, Australia, a few here in Toronto, a bunch all over the US, Jamaica, obviously. Honey, that’s how I make my money. I’ve got kids and grandchildren; I like being able to help.

A piece of my teen self who used to live for watching Miss Cleo commercials in the morning after “calling in sick” to school has died today along with Miss Cleo. I’m going to need 2016 to call me now, so I can curse that bitch out for taking all of our legends.

Rest in peace, Miss Cleo.



Keshia Knight Pulliam’s Husband Filed For Divorce A Week After Announcing She’s Pregnant

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, Keshia Knight Pulliam announced on Instagram that she’s knocked up with a baby girl by posing with a pink cupcake (because I guess Clearblue ran out of sponsored celebrity pregnancy announcement packs). I’m sure at the time she would have never thought that only a week later she’d be dealing with both morning sickness and divorce papers, but here we are.

People magazine says that Rudy Huxtable’s husband of six months Ed Hartwell, who’s a former NFL player and the ex of one-time Real Housewife of Atlanta Lisa Wu, has filed for divorce. Rudy and Ed dated for four months last year before getting engaged on New Year’s Eve, which was followed by a surprise wedding in their living room sometime in January 2016. Ed lists “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why he wants Keshia to join Lisa Wu in the Ex-Wives of Ed Hartwell Club.

Filing for divorce after only six months of marriage is messy enough. Serving your wife divorce papers while she’s knocked up with your kid takes it to an even-messier level. But that’s not where the craziness ends. TMZ says Ed has also demanded that Keshia prove who the daddy is. Ed’s rep told The YBF that all he wants right now is a paternity test for the baby. That’s right, we’ve entered Maury territory.

So far, neither Keshia nor Ed have said anything about this on social media. But TMZ does know that Keshia isn’t feeling this divorce. According to the documents filed by Ed, Keshia is contesting the divorce. She has 30 days to file a response, which may just include walking into a courtroom with her giant knocked-up baby bump on display saying “This. This is why I don’t want to deal with a divorce right now.

Pic: Instagram

Susan Sarandon Had The Time Of Her Damn Life At The DNC Last Night! Couldn’t You Tell?

July 26, 2016 / Posted by:

“Oh, so that’s what I looked like when a boyfriend dragged me to an Uncle Kracker concert in 2003” is what I thought while watching Susan Sarandon’s face go on a journey from “fuck this” to “no, really fuck this” to “no, no, really fuck. this.” in a matter of seconds while sitting in the audience at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia last night.

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