Archives: July 2016

Paris Hilton Thinks She’s Still Relevant Enough For ISIS To Target

July 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Society (including ISIS) just collectively nodded politely and then looked at an imaginary text on their phones as Paris Hilton expressed her fear that she may be attacked by the feared militant group. There, there, Paris. No one’s looking for you. There are hard-up serial killers in desperate need of victims who still wouldn’t attack you.

In an interview with the Spanish Diario de Ibiza (via Wonderwall), Paris spoke about how her extreme fame renders her a vital target for jihadists.

“I’m constantly moving around from one country to another and I’m a famous person who could be a definite target for an attack and that is something that sometimes terrifies me,”

She’s so right. Paris’s DJ skills are in high demand all over the world (really?), and she can barely roll off her chaise into the arms of her body porter to carry her into the limo, drive her to the airport, and then carry her through security and on to her plane, settling her into her seat in the “No Lessers, Please” section because of her no-longer private terror.

“What’s happening is horrible. The recent attacks in Nice and Germany are terrible,” she said. “It’s something that disgusts and worries me. I travel a lot and I get frightened when I think about things like this.”

I hear her. Just thinking thoughts must be a new and frightening experience for Paris, let alone thoughts about terrorism! But Paris won’t let this stop her from living her life. She knows that being vapid on every continent is her life’s work and if she pauses in that, the terrorists win!

“I’m also a very free person who tries not to be afraid of anything. I just make sure I always watch my back. I always go out alone and without security,” she said. “Many celebs have 10 bodyguards but I like to go out with my friends and be normal because I want to be like everyone else. I’m not going to give up anything.”

And nor should you, brave little toaster. You’ve had to sacrifice your entire life. You’ve worked so hard to achieve your dreams. You’ve come so very far. It would be worlds of wrong if you shut yourself away from the world out of fear that some imaginary yet evil terrorist whose People magazine subscription obviously ended in 2007 was after you.

Pic: Splash

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If You’re Coming For Prince’s Estate, You Better Have The Correct DNA

July 30, 2016 / Posted by:

There’s a hole in the world, and it’s where Prince used to be. Since being raised up to the next plane of existence this past April (upon the wings of purple doves and trailing raw, sexy glamour in his wake), those he left behind want something with which to remember him. To be specific, almost 30 people have laid claim to his reportedly 250 million-dollar estate. Unfortunately, they’re going to have to make due with their Graffiti Bridge VHS tapes, because a judge ruled “no, bitch” in most of their cases.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Joyce Beatty, a U.S. Representative from Ohio and the newly crowned President of the United States of Petty!

By popular demand, today’s HSOTD crown goes to Representative Joyce Beatty who executed some Jedi-levels of shade on the last night of the DNC on Thursday when she gave a speech while wearing the exact same dress that current reigning Queen of Copy + Pasting Melania Trump wore while spitting out Michelle Obama’s stolen words at the RNC. The dress, made by Serbian-born designer Roksanda Ilincic, cost $2,190, which is a lot of money for an ensemble you can recreate using a white dress from Ann Taylor Loft and clown collars, but that is besides the point. Because the move that Rep. Joyce Beatty pulled was priceless.

Rep. Joyce busted out some old church lady revenge shit. It’s like when your mom and auntie get into a fight, and your mom gets revenge by making your auntie’s signature dish and bringing it to a family party. Rep. Joyce taking a page out of Melania Trump’s playbook by snatching her look went viral, of course. Alexis Carrington Colby’s apprentice was asked about it after her speech, and she pretty much went all I don’t know her” by saying that she had no idea she was wearing the same dress. Joyce claimed that her husband, Otto Beatty Jr., bought her the dress and asked her to wear it. Uh huh, I guess a shade master never reveals her secrets:

This reminded me of Queen Aretha flawlessly dissing Taylor Swift with that “great gowns, beautiful gowns” line. Joyce Beatty did that, only she wore that beautiful gown too! All hail Joyce Beatty!

Pics: Getty

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Birthday Sluts

July 30, 2016 / Posted by:

Delta Burke (60)
Diana Vickers (25)
Nico Tortorella (28)
Gina Rodriguez (32)
Yvonne Strahovski (34)
Hope Solo (35)
Misty May-Treanor (39)
Jaime Pressly (39)
Hilary Swank (42)
GloZell (44)
Elvis Crespo (45)
Tom Green (45)
Christine Taylor (45)
Christopher Nolan (46)
Simon Baker (47)
Terry Crews (48)
Vivica A. Fox (52)
Lisa Kudrow (53)
Alton Brown (54)
Laurence Fishburne (55)
Richard Linklater (56)
Kate Bush (58)
Ken Olin (62)
Frank Stallone (66)
Jean Reno (68)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (69)
Paul Anka (75)
Peter Bogdanovich (77)

Pic: Getty

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Night Crumbs

July 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Katy Perry calls Orlando Bloom “Lando.” The only right response to that mess is Billy Dee Williams throwing a third-degree side-eye as Lando CalrissianLainey Gossip

Oh whatever, I’m sure Melania Trump has a PhD in gold digging, a masters in shopping and a Bachelor’s degree in copy + pasting from Trump University – Celebitchy

Meryl Streep is probably going to join forces with Emily Blunt again for that Mary Poppins sequel that doesn’t need to exist  – Jezebel

Goopy Paltrow wants to consciously uncouple from Goop one day and that’ll be a dark, sad time, because who will enlighten our minds with pieces about pussy steaming? – The Superficial

Irina Shayk looks sweaty, confused and bored while wearing a crucifix. That was pretty much me every time my abuelita dragged me to church – Drunken Stepfather

I bet that someone got bitched out by Uncle Andy Cohen…. – Reality Tea 

Only Bai Ling could be the epitome of demure opulence in a dress-thing made of vacuum belts – Egotastic! 

Nicole Scherzinger’s face looks different – Popoholic

“Torturing fish” is another thing that Lindsay Lohan is doing while yachting in Italy – SOW

Tyler Posey probably didn’t come out as gay, but he did come out as a troll – Towleroad

You now know where to go if you ever want a free shower – Hollywood Tuna 

Hillary Clinton’s got a hot nephew whose eyebrow game is very Count Chocula – Boy Culture

A topless Melania Trump mural exists – IDLYITW

No. – Just Jared

Yes! – Popsugar

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