Archives: July 2016

Night Crumbs

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Workers are still mopping up coochie cream from the floor of the San Diego Convention Center and that could mean only one of two things: Carrot Top showed up shirtless to Comic-Con or Charlie Hunnam showed up to Comic-Con. It was the latter, and yes, Charlie Hunnam’s Smart Water bottle is really happy to see you – Lainey Gossip

Lea Michele’s oiled-up chest dumplings were at Comic-Con too – Egotastic!

Christopher Walken says that if reincarnation is real, you will want to come back as one of his pussies – Celebitchy

Iggy Azalea showed off her “12 cans of Fix-A-Flat” ass  – Drunken Stepfather

Believe it or not, other trailers besides Wonder Woman and Justice League were shown at Comic-Con – The Superficial

Kim Zolciak shocked a nation when she Snapchatted her visit to her plastic surgeon’s office. We all thought that her ~beauty~ was 100% natural! – Reality Tea 

Crispy Ronaldo’s abs look like a grenade dipped in George Hamilton’s jizz – Towleroad

That red zombie thing whose name I don’t know (no nerd here) was really awed by Brie Larson’s ass – Popoholic

Okay, but did the mess who played Pokemon Go at a Beyonce concert catch any? – HuffPo

Peter Dinklage can’t say benenvolent, and I apparently can’t spell it – Jezebel

Christie Brinkley is hot! And I’m not referring to her sweat stains – Hollywood Tuna

John Barrowman is a cosplay master – Pajiba

Don’t you just hate it when your piece uses too much teeth? This cat feels your pain – OMG Blog

Justin Timberlake got accidentally slapped by a creepy fan. That fan should be punished to the highest extent, and by that I mean he should be forced to have dinner at Jessica Biel’s restaurant – Just Jared

The cast of One Tree Hill reunited – Popsugar

Marni Nixon, the singing voice for Audrey Hepburn, Natalie Wood and many more, has died – Boy Culture

Pic: Getty


QOTD: Walter Mercado Predicts A World Where Donald Trump Is POTUS

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about the human estrella wrapped in grace and charisma was over 4 years ago when he was laid up in a hospital in Cleveland, OH with cardiac problems. A 50,000 person deep prayer circle was formed because none of us wanted to live in a world without Puerto Rican astrologer and glamour icon Walter Mercado in it. The star baby of Galileo and a Spectra doll wasn’t as worried as we were, because he read his future in the stars and knew that he would live and go on to tell everyone what would happen if the orange tonsil stone from the Celebrity Apprentice became the President of the United States in 2016.

Walter created an astrological chart to see what the future would look like if “President Donald Trump” becomes a real thing that exists. It feels like the world is already self-destructing, but according to the future-seeing Puerto Rican blossom, the world will really eat shit if Trump becomes president. Walter gave his findings to People en Español in Spanish, and The Miami Herald translated his words into English:

“I did a chart about what I see in the future and the present of this monster, this backwards person that can lead not only the United States, but the world, to total destruction. He has no knowledge of politics and no knowledge of any type of diplomacy. He is a person that thinks money can buy anything and thinks that you can buy the conscience of all of humanity. The conscience cannot be bought with these policies that are so insulting and offensive to the human race.

I am totally, completely and absolutely in favor of Hillary, and astrologically, she is the better prospect. God willing, the stars will align so that we will have the right president.”

In related news, I’m watching CNN right now and Anderson Cooper just announced that the Democratic National Convention has been canceled and all of the speakers have been sent home. Because now that Walter Mercado has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, nothing else needs to be said!

Pic: Facebook

Margot Robbie Has Thoughts About That Awkward Vanity Fair Article

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier this month, Vanity Fair’s Rich Cohen came dangerously close to throwing the earth’s water levels off balance by excessively drooling over actress Margot Robbie. In it, he went a little overboard with the compliments: he called her the next Audrey Hepburn and talked about how beautiful she was to the point that James Blunt was probably like “Okay, we get it.” Margot had two movies to hustle (The Legend of Tarzan and Suicide Squad), but Rich Cohen never really got to that because he was too busy asking her about her sex scenes in The Wolf of Wall Street. He also referred to Australia as “throwback America.” The internet wasn’t really feeling it and neither was Margot Robbie.

Margot spoke to Australia’s The Project (via Entertainment Weekly) about that Vanity Fair interview, and she says she was a little weirded out after talking with Rich Cohen. Not fully weirded out, mind you; Margot said she’s experienced creepier creeps and grosser grossness.

“I remember thinking, ‘That was a really odd interview. I don’t know how that’s going to come out.’ And then when I read it, I was like, yeah the tone of this is really weird. Like, I don’t really know what he’s trying to get at or play at. But I didn’t expect there to be an uproar about it. I’ve read far more offensive, far more sexist, insulting, derogatory, disgusting things on a daily basis.”

I know there will be people shouting “Don’t encourage them!“, but I sort of want to know what kind of far more disgusting things Margot has read. I can do without the sexist/insulting/offensive stuff, but the disgusting I’m into. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s probably not that difficult to find. I’m sure if I scroll far enough down in the comments of the Suicide Squad trailer on YouTube, I’ll find someone named “FedoraDan69” asking if and where they can purchase Margot Robbie’s used Harley Quinn booty shorts. “Scroll far enough” – listen to me, acting like it won’t be the 4th comment from the top.

Here’s Margot at Comic-Con this weekend (with a special guest appearance by Cara Delevingne).

Pics: Splash


Open Post: Hosted By Joe Jonas’ Nipples

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

26-year-old Joe Jonas wanted to remind everyone that his little brother Nick isn’t the only Jonas who has man nipples and knows how to use them to get those Instagram likes. Joe covered all of the bases this weekend when he put this portrait of his waxed nipple knobs on Snapchat, Instagram and Twatter. Joe wanted as many eyeballs as possible to get a taste of his pec knobs and since I will post a picture of nipples belonging to absolutely anyone (see: Geraldo Rivera’s nipples), I am re-posting his pic here.

Joe posted this picture while at a photo shoot, and it feels like he’s trying to give us forlorn sexyface, but instead he’s giving us “sad doggy trying to guilt trip you into giving him a piece of your steak.” That picture is the kind of a picture a dude puts on Grindr when he wants to come off all deep, but sexy-like, and his profile would have a really thoughtful quote like this:

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Kneechee or some other dude like that, I don’t know

I know, I have a lot of thoughts about a damn shirtless picture of Joe Jonas. But I have one more and this one’s important. If nipples are the eyes of the torso, why doesn’t Joe’s nipples also have a pair of lusciously furry brows above them? Joe’s chest eyes look so sad and bare without a pair of hairy valances decorating them. That’s a tragedy.

And here’s Joe with his DNCE bandmates hosting a pool party at the Hard Rock in Las Vegas while looking like they were just kicked out of Coachella 1989.

Pic:, @JoeJonas


Taylor Swift Now Has The Power To Mass-Delete Hating Comments

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Famous and non-famous people are hit with death threats and racist shit all the time on social media (example: Leslie Jones), but when poor, little permanent damsel in distress Taylor Swift gets viciously attacked with threatening and scary snake emojis, Instagram drops EVERYTHING to protect her snowflake feelings and crumbling image as America’s sweetheart.

After Kim Kartrashian pulled the sheep’s clothing off of Taylor Swift by exposing her as a liar in several Snapchat videos, Tay’s Instagram page started to look like the inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic ritual chamber. The comment section of her Instagram posts got covered with zillions of snakes, and instead of laughing it off while enjoying her riches (aka making her low-ranking squad members exfoliate her skin with crushed diamonds and shredded bills), she cried to the principal. Instagram eventually sprinkled reptile poison all over Taylor’s page and the snake emojis disappeared. And now The Times (via The Drum) says that Instagram has given Taylor’s team a tool that allows them to commit hate comment genocide.

Ozzy Osbourne Says That He And Sharon Are “Back On Track”

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Whassat ’bout a bump? Yeah, gimme one of them. Better make it a double cause I (inaudible mumble) fink I’d (inaudible mumble) hahahah….Shaaaraaaaaaan.

A few weeks ago, sources were whispering that Sharon Osbourne’s heart was once again beating for her estranged cheater husband Ozzy Osbourne. It sounded like there was a chance that Sharon and Ozzy might not make their latest split a permanent thing after all. Until then, Ozzy hadn’t commented on the status of his relationship (he left that up to Kelly Osbourne, who informed everyone that her parents’ marriage wasn’t done). Ozzy’s finally talking about the latest drama between him and Sharon, and the drama’s over, everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.

Now For A Lesson In Dealing With Teen Bullies Courtesy Of Jennifer Aniston

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston received a lifetime achievement award in Italy this weekend, and not for Dealing with a Lifetime of Pregnancy Rumors from the Italian branch of the International Society of Supermarket Tabloids. It was just a plain old lifetime achievement award from Europe’s largest children’s film festival, the Giffoni Film Festival.

Because it would have been rude of Jennifer to show up, grab her lifetime achievement award and a couple sfogliatelle from the catering table, and hop back on her private jet, she answered some audience questions. If my teen self got to ask Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Jennifer Aniston a question, it would probably be for an itemized list of every designer Rachel Green wore during all 263 episodes of Friends. The children and teens of Europe are much more mentally deeper than I was at their age, because The Hollywood Reporter says they asked serious questions about gender equality and bullying.


It’s Like The Samantha Ronson Days All Over Again….

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.

LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.

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