Archives: July 2016

Birthday Sluts

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Woody Harrelson (55)
Daniel Radcliffe (27)
Krysta Rodriguez (32)
Tristan MacManus (34)
Paul Wesley (34)
Michelle Williams (36)
Tom Parker (39)
Stephanie March (42)
Kathryn Hahn (43)
Monica Lewinsky (43)
Marlon Wayans (44)
Alison Krauss (45)
Charisma Carpenter (46)
Stephanie Seymour (48)
Slash (51)
Eriq La Salle (54)
Lydia Cornell (63)
Edie McClurg (65)

Pic: Pinterest

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Night Crumbs

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow’s friend Mario Batali burped up his thoughts about a couple of her exes. Mario liked Brad Pitt, but really wasn’t into Ben Affleck and he even made a nanny joke. I love that Mario Batali throws nanny shade at Ben Affleck, but his opinion is invalid as long as he insists on wearing those Satanic shoes made from the devil’s colon. Invalid! – Lainey Gossip 

We could’ve lived in a world where Brangelina weren’t a thing and Gwen Stefani won a Razzie for playing Mrs. Smith – Celebitchy

I thought that headline said “Jose Canseco’s Nipples” and I got so confused…. – Drunken Stepfather

Ramona Singer’s mouth farted out the duh of duhs – Reality Tea

I’m sure one of the Duggar sons will be looking to “court” soon, so Backdoor Farrah should hold out for one of them – The Superficial 

If you play tennis, then follow Charli XCX’s lead and wear this sporty yet elegant ensemble the next time you hit the court – Egotastic!

Colton Haynes is doing Scream Queens 2Towleroad

Emma Roberts’ bringing “dominatrix secretary” to Comic-On gets a yes from me, but I have a feeling that her suffocating, overheated chichis don’t feel the same way – Popoholic

The Fixer Uppers from HGTV are getting their own magazine – Starcasm

Chloe Grace Moretz, Debra Messing, America Ferrera, Eva Longoria, Lena Dunham, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato and Alicia Keys are all speaking at next week’s Democratic National Convention. I know, no Susan Sarandon. I’m overfilled with SHOCK! – IDLYITW

Emily RideAJetSki’s nalgas, here they are – Hollywood Tuna

The Fappening hacker will spend the next 6 months fapping in a prison cell bunk bed – HuffPo

I guess I need to start watching Bates Motel again so that I can witness RiRi’s impeccable acting as Marion Crane – Just Jared

My dream of Hillary Clinton picking Angelyne as her running mate didn’t come true…. – Popsugar

Pic: PBS

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FYI: Goopy Paltrow Was Doing Yoga Before Yoga Was Cool

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.

While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:

I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.

I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].

You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:

Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.

Pic: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Celine Dion Trying To Twerk

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

The diamond-encrusted French-Canadian nightingale can usually be found belting out musical notes of gold into the ears of her fans in Las Vegas, but she is now sharing her magnificence with the world while promoting her new album Encore Un Soir. Last night, Celine Dion fluttered into The Tonight Show and played that game where a guest and Jimmy Fallon take turns doing a totally off the cuff musical impersonation that they totally didn’t rehearse beforehand.

Celine delivered her best Cher (which sounded like Celine Dion with laryngitis), her best Sia (which sounded like a Valley Girl Celine Dion) and RiRi. The international treasure got up out of her seat and sang out a mash-up of Work and Row, Row, Row Your Boat while trying to twerk. Watch as Celine works that ass and vocal cords:

That twerk is a little “puppy with worms rubbing its puppy ass against the wall,” but since this is Celine Dion doing it, I will declare her the GREATEST  (French-Canadian million superstar) TWERKER IN DA WORLD! And here’s pictures from this morning of Celine Dion looking like a disco ball going to a casual business meeting while performing on Today.

PicsWenn.com

Balthazar Getty Says Cheating With Sienna Miller Made His Marriage Stronger

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Now let’s go all the way back to 2008 when Sienna Miller was inducted into the Famous Homewreckers Hall of Fame after getting with actor and Getty heir Balthazar Getty. Back then a single Sienna hooked up with Balthazar who was very married at the time to the mother of his four kids Rosetta Getty. Eventually Sienna and Balthazar called their affair off, and he went crawling back to Rosetta.

Some would think that leaving his wife and four kids – FOUR KIDS – so that he could bang Factory Girl on a series of expensive boats would be enough for Rosetta to leave her dead marriage in the morgue, but the opposite happened. She took him back two years later.

Balthazar – who is now a DJ, apparently – recently spoke to the Evening Standard (via Daily Mail) about The Sienna Years. Balthazar considers what happened with Sienna seven years ago to be “ancient history” and he doesn’t like to talk about it anymore. What he would like to talk about is how Sienna’s cooch should seriously consider getting certified as a couples counselor, because his marriage to Rosetta is “stronger” than before. Balthazar also released this nugget of cheater enlightenment:

“Without going down, you can’t rise again.”

Poor Sienna. “Going down?” What did she do to deserve such barely-subtle shade? Oh, right. But like Balthazar is one to talk: rising and going down on someone other than Rosetta was what got him in trouble in the first place.

Here’s Balthazar looking like a barber from The Matrix with his wife at a charity event last month.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

ToTay’s Love Is So Strong And Pure That Nothing, Not Even Kimye’s Betrayal, Can Break It

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

The Daily Mail has thrilling pictures of the diabolical piece of julienned jicama Taylor Swift smiling while walking with Tom Hiddleston in Los Angeles yesterday. Yes, the people of the Gold Coast in Australia can once again leave their homes without a bottle of Pepto on them, because now that Tom and Taylor are gone, they won’t get hit with the heaves while watching those two display their love in a photo-op.

Tom has finished up filming his scenes for Thor 3 in Australia, so he and Taylor are back in California, where they’ll probably spend the next few weeks with a choreographer and a body language expert who will coach them on how to look so naturally in love while posing on the red carpet at the Emmys in September. A source tells E! News that Tom and Tay are still very much together and the entire scandal of her getting exposed as a liar by Kim Kartrashian, of all tricks, didn’t dim the love he has in his heart for her.

Taylor is still painting a thick layer of victim all over herself and thinks that Kimye are just using her for publicity (well, yeah, but pot…kettle). She has vowed to never speak to Kanye again! And Tom has vowed to stand by Taylor forever! A source read from the script that Taylor’s publicist gave them, I mean, spilled out these spontaneous words to E!:

“Tom is not annoyed by the negative media attached to Taylor. He knew that would come with the course of dating her. He has been supporting her and enjoying the time he’s having with her. They’re having a great time and are always laughing.

Taylor and Tom are in love with each other. He told her she is the kind of woman he wants to spend his life with. They have gotten very close. She is enjoying the time off from working. She has been writing during her travels, and Tom has been an inspiration in her music.”

What I’m getting from that statement is that if there is a relationship contract, that shit is no joke and the out clause portion of it probably reads:

ONLY DEATH! BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!

Pic: Splash

Prince George Celebrated His 3rd Birthday By Trying To Poison That Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Hmmm….something in the milk is POISON!” – that dog, who obviously knows what’s up and knows that Prince George cannot be trusted!

The heir to the British throne turns 3 years old today, and so Kensington Palace celebrated by gifting the eyes of his loyal subjects with cute pictures they tweeted. But well, behind one of those pictures is darkness and cruelty. Some look at the picture of Prince George and Lupo Middleton Mountbatten-Windsor above and say to themselves, “Awww, look at the widdle prince giving a widdle ice cweam to the widdle doggy.” But others look at that picture and see attempted pooch murder!

The Guardian says that that a few messes on Twitter are jokingly (I hope) calling for Prince George to be imprisoned for animal cruelty. Prince George is supposedly offering his doggy-in-waiting a taste of a white chocolate ice cream bar. Chocolate is to dogs what an Iggy Azalea song is to ears. It’s painful poison. Some dogs are also hit with a case of dogarrhea when they eat diary. That picture is so serious that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released this statement about it:

“It is lovely that Prince George is trying to help keep his family dog, Lupo, cool in these high temperatures. We would advise people to be cautious when giving their dogs food meant for human consumption as some items, like chocolate, can be highly toxic to dogs and dairy items can be difficult for them to digest.

Instead of ice-cream we would suggest making an ice lolly from pet-friendly ingredients. Making these can be really fun for children and the end product is both safe and enjoyable for dogs.”

Prince George has yet to respond to this himself because he’s only 3 and doesn’t understand all those words. Or because he’s busy instructing his staff to set up a white chocolate ice cream stand in a dog park. Yeah, that’s probably it.

And here’s more pictures of the miniature Christopher Robin busting out J. Crew Kids catalog poses while wearing “bargain birthday outfits” (FYI: People considers a $36 toddler t-shirt a bargain.) in his birthday pictures, as well as pictures from earlier this month of Prince George waving at his haters before taking his flying royal chariot up in the air to survey his land.

Pics: @KensingtonRoyal, Wenn.com

Demi Lovato Wasn’t A Fan Of Nick Jonas’ Ex Olivia Culpo

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Demi Lovato and Nick Jonas, who appear to be giving you brothel madam and reluctant male companion above, have been friends since back in their Disney Channel days. And they’ve remained good friends ever since. Nick and Demi are currently on the Future Now tour together, and they recently talked to Billboard about their friendship. Nick and Demi also gave a little master class in what it takes to date Nick Jonas, and apparently one of the keys to success is getting Demi’s approval. They even provided a helpful example via Nick Jonas’ ex-girlfriend Oliva Culpo. For example, if you want to get the thumbs up from Demi to date Nick Jonas, do not be Oliva Culpo.

Amber Heard Has Been “Hanging Out” With Elon Musk

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, we learned that Johnny Depp’s lawyer filed papers asking the court to stamp “confidential” on all of the financial documents he has to submit in his divorce settlement battle with Amber Heard. They also want Amber to sign confidentiality agreements. Amber might have to start keeping it between her and her friends, and apparently, one of her closest “friends” right now is billionaire PayPal and Tesla mogul Elon Musk.

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