Archives: July 2016

Tom Hiddleston Returns To Los Angeles Right After Taylor Swift Was “Snubbed” By The MTV VMAs

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier today, I made a joke about Tom Hiddleston’sscreaming internally” face (copyright: Michael) while talking about Ed Sheeran’s maybe-marriage. Only a few hours later I stumbled upon this picture of him making a Level-6 “screaming internally” face while boarding a flight to LAX last night. Coincidence? No, probably not. I’m sure anyone could have predicted Tom would make that face on his way back to Los Angeles. After all, If I knew I was a 5-hour flight away from my next round of LOOK AT HOW IN LOVE WE ARE!! photo ops with Taylor Swift, I’d make that same face too.

Tom flew back to Los Angeles last night from New York, and The Daily Mail thinks he rushed back to “console” Taylor after finding out that Slytherin’s mascot didn’t receive a single MTV VMA nomination yesterday. But Gossip Cop says that Taylor doesn’t need to be consoled and she isn’t unleashing a bunch of PG expletives while throwing all the MTV VMAs she won last year into her pool. Despite UsWeekly’s report that MTV pulled a “…and none for Gretchen Weiners” on Taylor this year, she wasn’t actually snubbed. Gossip Cop says Taylor never submitted any of her eligible videos. They also say she wasn’t planning on attending this year’s ceremony since she spent the majority of last year touring rather than making videos.

Okay, but that doesn’t mean she’s not upset. Just because Taylor didn’t submit videos doesn’t mean she wasn’t expecting a couple nominations anyway. It’s like when someone invites you to their birthday party and says, “no gifts“, but you know they’re secretly wishing for a 6-foot-tall stack of presents.  If Taylor’s not actually at home sulking, then why wasn’t she taking advantage of all the photographers at LAX last night? She could have waited for Tom at the arrivals gate with a handwritten sign that says “YOU’RE THE ONLY VMA I NEED: VERY MASCULINE AGENT” before jumping into his open arms. Really missed an opportunity, you two.

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Michael Fassbender Dipping His Dangling Pen Into A Bottle

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

If you didn’t look at that picture and got all excited after misreading the headline as “Michael Fassbender Dipping His Dangling Peen Into A Bottle,” then: 1) We’re soul siblings, because we both always have dick on the brain. 2) You’re crazy to think that Michael Fassbender could dip his salchicha into a bottle. The only way he could fuck a bottle is if the bottle looks like this:

michaelfassbenderbottlefucker

Even then, he’d need a gallon tub of Crisco to get it in.

But anyway, Michael Assbender was on The Tonight Show last night to promote his new movie The Light Between Two Oceans, and Jimmy Fallon decided that they should play a game of “Pen In Bottle.” Michael’s piece Alicia Vikander taught Jimmy the Swedish drinking game when she was on last week. All you do is tie a string with a pen attached to it around your waist, and then you squat while trying to sex the bottle with your pen. I know, the people at The Tonight Show are genius pervs. They came up with a G-rated way to show us what it looks like when Michael Fassbender pile drives.

You can’t tell from that clip since it was cut due to FCC rules, but even though Michael Fassbender missed the hole, that bottle still came.

And here’s Alicia and Michael taking selfies with their fans outside of their hotel in NYC a couple of days ago:

Pics: Splash

Kristen Stewart Is Finally Feeling Things Again

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Kristen Stewart looks about as empty and dead inside as a cold, hallowed-out cadaver, but she tells Elle UK that after getting back with her on-and-off-again-piece Alicia Cargile for the third time, she is finally feeling feels again. Don’t let that picture from Elle UK fool you. On the outside, Kristen Stewart may look like a zombified and punkified Wednesday Addams after smoking a morphine-laced joint, but on the inside, a roller coaster of a million raw emotions is running through her!!!

Jared Leto Jokes That He Could Have A Little Jared Leto Jr. Somewhere

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

The most recent stop on Jared Leto’s publicity tour for Suicide Squad was on the cover of this month’s issue of Rolling Stone. Just like his fellow Suicide Squad co-star Margot Robbie, he also served up sex and skin on the cover. I think my eyes have seen roughly 1.6 million pictures of Jared in Manic Panic Meth-head drag as The Joker, so it’s a really refreshing change to see him working a new look for a change. Yes, even if he looks like a hot dirtbag who sells counterfeit t-shirts at Skid Row concerts from the trunk of his car. I’ll take what I can get.

Jared did more than just channel his inner-Janet by posing topless on the cover in a pair of 90s denim, he also said words. Of course, his words were very Jared Leto-y. He got both deep (fatherhood, existentialism) and high (drugs, drugs, and how he used to do so many drugs).

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Okay, So Jane Fonda Saved That All-Celebrity “Fight Song” Video

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Sure, dried drop of urethral pus Donald Trump mouth shat up another batshit crazy dingle today when he called for Russia to hack Hillary Clinton, but here at Dlisted, we only post about the most important political news, so here’s the video of a bunch of famous and famous-esque people singing Rachel Platten’s little-known, unheard pop single “Fight Song.”

Jabba the Trump had the USA Freedom Kids (whose manager is threatening to throw a lawsuit at the Trump campaign for violating an agreement) and Hillary Clinton has a bunch of celebrities singing “Fight Song” on the old set of The Branchy Bunch’s intro. The Los Angeles Times says that Elizabeth Banks put together as many pro-Hillary celebs as she could to sing in a video for the DNC. The likes of Aisha Tyler, Mandy Moore, Rob Reiner, Connie Britton, Kathy Najimy, Julie Bowen, Hana Mae Lee, America Ferrera, John Michael Higgins, Kristen Chenoweth, Idina Menzel, Billy Porter, Sia, Dollar Tree Victorian cameo Jaime King (who really, really took it seriously) and a bunch of others warbled out a cover of “Fight Song” that made my face contort into the cringe position. I cringed, cringed and cringed some more.

For the first minute, I thought to myself, “You all are NOT helping!”, but that all changed when the music stopped and Jane Fonda talk-sang for her life!

Leave it to Jane Fonda to save it all. But if you watched that video above, you know that Jane wasn’t the only one who really delivered. About 90 seconds in, Ellen Greene (aka Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors) popped up in impeccable Louise Brooks cosplay and delivered a stirring, raw and melodramatic re-telling of “Fight Song.” That is how it’s done.

ellengreenefightsong2016

God, I love theater people.

Ed Sheeran Might Have Gotten Secret Married

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Despite being longtime BFFs with one of the biggest relationship stunt queens in the game, Ed Sheeran keeps it a little quieter when it comes to where his ginger business has been. He never confirmed if he was ever actually doing it with a Pussycat Doll last year. He’s rarely papped with his current girlfriend Cherry Seaborn, seen above leaving a premiere with him in London last October.

So really, I guess no one should be surprised if Ed were to go and get secret married. According to The Sun, Ed might have done just that. Two days ago, a picture of Ed attending a friend’s daughter’s 5th birthday party hit the internet in which he just so happened to be showing off a ring on that finger.

EdSheeranRing

Judging by the distracted look on her face, either the photographer didn’t yell “1-2-cheese” before taking that picture, or that little girl just realized that that ring was about to steal all her 5th birthday thunder. I choose to believe it was the second, because 5-year-olds are wise like that.

Ed and Cherry have been dating for a year, so it’s not crazy to think that they might have recently made it legal. Ed himself hasn’t confirmed whether he made Cherry his wife because he’s on a self-imposed social media hiatus since December.

I know a ring on that finger on that hand usually means there’s a 99.9% a person is hitched, but I’m still skeptical that he actually got married. After all, it’s a well-known fact that Taylor Swift is unable to go to a wedding and not make it AAT (All About Taylor). I mean, she made damn sure she was the star of their 1st anniversary. If the Archie to Taylor’s Betty got married, we’d have heard about it. There’s no way Ed Sheeran would have had a wedding without a professional photographer getting at least six dozen pictures of Taylor catching the bouquet (just like she practiced) while her date Tom Hiddleston smiles on the outside/screams internally from the sidelines in an I Heart TS-printed tuxedo.

Pics: Wenn.com, Instagram

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Things I Can Still Hear: The Scream That Meryl Streep Let Out Last Night

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday was the second day of the Democratic National Convention, and out was Susan Sarandon looking like she’d rather felch a porcupine who just ate Taco Bell than listen to speakers throw out praise for Hillary Clinton. In was Meryl Streep squealing out a pro-Hillary battle cry of joy while double fisting the air and working one of her old patriotic looks.

Hillary Clinton officially became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a major party yesterday, and her man Bill Clinton, and his Fashion Fair Perfect Finish® mug, were the headliners of the night. But before and after Ole’ Bubba’s speech, he had many opening acts and a few closing acts including Elizabeth Banks, America Ferrera, Alicia Keys, Lena Dunham, Debra Messing (who surprisingly didn’t put her taunting hands on the side of her head while saying, “Na na na na na na na, Susan!“, into the camera) and THEE MERYL STREEP!

Meryl followed Bill and when she took the podium, she let out the kind of scream-cry of happiness that I let out whenever the Henny Penny episode of The Golden Girls comes on the Hallmark Channel. As Meryl spoke, those flag poles in the back thought to themselves, “Of COURSE that shady Meryl Streep had to steal our look and work it better.”

Yes, Meryl Streep has been nominated for an Oscar 19 times, has starred in a zillion movies and is considered by many to be the greatest living actress (those many obviously haven’t seen Gina Gershon’s work in Showgirls), but the Republican National Convention had Scott Baio. And did Meryl Streep have a starring role in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2? I think not. So, sorry, DNC, you tried it, but the RNC still won the category of STAR POWER!

And here’s Meryl Streep working her Catherine Malandrino American flag dress to a screening of Doubt in 2008.

Pics: Splash

Amber Heard Has Accused Johnny Depp Of Trying To Stall Their Divorce

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

And here’s another reminder that Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is still a bottomless pit of drama. Last week, Johnny’s team of lawyers filed papers to keep Amber and her team of lawyers quiet about the details of the divorce, like his current financial situation. They also side-eyed Amber’s lawyer’s request for access to financial information from Johnny’s Hollywood Vampires bandmates.

Well, both TMZ and UsWeekly report that it was Amber’s turn to do some document filling/shit-flinging yesterday. According to court documents that were filed by her lawyers on Tuesday (no word on if they were dropped off in a borrowed Tesla), Amber Heard thinks Johnny Depp’s request for her to sign a gag order is his way of stalling their divorce. Amber’s lawyers aren’t happy that Johnny’s lawyers want Amber to sign a confidentiality agreement before he releases his financial information. They consider it Johnny’s attempt at “stonewalling” the progress of their divorce.

Amber also thinks the specifics of Johnny’s confidentiality agreement are about as ridiculous as that knock-off Anna Wintour wig he wore in Willy Wonka. According to documents, Johnny wants Amber to be fined $100,000 every time his financial information is leaked, regardless of who it was leaked by.

Amber and Johnny are also having problems trying to decide on a court date for her deposition. Johnny’s team suggested August 3rd and 8th, but Amber is scheduled to be in London filming Justice League then. Amber offered to fly back on a Saturday, but that won’t work, because apparently Johnny’s lawyers don’t work weekends.

Johnny may have been accused of dragging his dirty feet in this divorce, but he definitely doesn’t want to waste any more time picking a date for Amber’s restraining order deposition. TMZ says Johnny really wants that deposition to happen for the sake of his precious credit standing. He’s worried that the possibility of a permanent restraining order might mess up future credit checks.

It’s obvious that both sides are stalling for time, but it’s obvious why Johnny’s side is stalling. It’s going to take months, maybe years to get that bedraggled human hair clog ready for court. The power washer hose-downs alone could take well into October.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Sam’s Car from Who’s The Boss?!

In season 5 of Who’s The Boss?, Sam gets her drivers license and so does her best friend Bonnie. Bonnie’s daddy buys her a brand new car, and that’s when the show taught parents an important lesson: “Don’t buy your teen kid some brand new shit for their first car!” Bonnie wrecks her new car in a quick minute. So for Sam’s first car, Tony gets her a used banana boat on wheels that’s longer than Tommy Lee’s dick and covered with red lights for safety. That school bus baby of a car may have been safe for Sam but not for the other drivers. If I saw a young trick driving that gigantic boat car, I’d put on a helmet and drive a different way, because that thing could take me out with one false swerve.

Sam had entered those snobby teenage years, so that banana boat embarrassed her. When Sam parks it at school, the asshole kids gather around and make fun of her. So to avoid getting made fun of again, Sam parks it far away from her school, and it gets snatched! When the police find it, Sam has to tell Tony that she’s an ungrateful brat and was embarrassed by the car.

Jonathan Bower would never! Actually Jonathan Bower probably would’ve paid someone to steal it, drive it to Canada, break it up for parts and torch it.

Honestly, Sam is dumb. All she had to do was drive her car to school and get Mona to walk by it and say, “What a stunning and luxurious automobile.” The kids would shut the hell up, because nobody disagrees with Mona.

(For Carly)

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