Archives: July 2016

Open Post: Hosted By Calvin Harris Making Sure He’s Still Involved

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Your part is done, Calvin Harris. You can move on now. The Taylor Swift ex and nondescript DJ has posted a Snapchat video of himself lip-synching to Kanye West’s verse on Schoolboy Q’s “That Part.” This could be some shade for his ex as she’s currently….oh you know.

Calvin also could have been emulating Kim Kartrashian, who posted a Snapchat video of her own (do these people ever put their fucking phones down?) in which she mouths the line from “Famous” that has ruined reputations and sparked a culture war! (I’m just trying to psych myself up for having to post about this again. Forgive me.)

Calvin might still be salty over the Snake Squad head spilling the tea on her authorship of his hit single with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For.” Calvin, have a seat and take a look at this photo. That could have been you. You could have been wearing that. Anyone wearing that has his balls cozied away in a popsicle stick purse that a certain fork-tongued blonde pop star crafted herself at summer camp. You don’t want to be that guy.

Check out Calvin Harris’ video below.

Selena Gomez Is Striving For Self-Actualization

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Selena Gomez kicked off the international leg of her Revival Tour in Indonesia last night on her 24th birthday. Birthdays can hit you hard. This one apparently kicked Selena’s ass because she got teary on stage while introducing her closing song “Kill Em’ With Kindness.” Afterwards, she got social media-teary on Instagram. It was some “I need to do better” rambling. Wow, Project “Taylor Swift Has Been Victimized, You Guys” can stress a gal out.

Brie Larson Is Captain Marvel

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Room actress (and The Clash at Demonhead lead singer) Brie Larson was confirmed to play Captain Marvel in Marvel’s first solo female superhero movie yesterday at San Diego Comic-Con. Upon hearing this, Scarlett Johansson donned her Black Widow catsuit before showing up at Marvel Studios head Kevin Feige’s house to inquire, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

You can watch Larson’s entrance to Marvel’s Hall H event below. Deadline reports that she’s been rumored to be Marvel’s #1 pick to play Carol Danvers (Captain Marvel’s civilian name) since earlier this summer.

Oooh, here’s the part where I get to utilize my insane comic book knowledge that prevented me from getting laid in high school! Marvel created Carol Danvers in 1968 as a supporting character to the male Captain Marvel. She got hit by a beam or something and became Ms. Marvel! She was sort of Marvel’s attempt to create the first “feminist” heroine. That translates as a female comic book character who didn’t defer to her boyfriend while constantly calling him “darling” and was allowed to punch things. Ms. Marvel got her own title in 1977, but it didn’t last very long. She was pretty minor until she joined the Avengers in the 80s and has since grown in popularity. They killed the male Captain Marvel off (with cancer, which isn’t very comic-booky) and she finally inherited the name (and a bomb-ass jumpsuit) in 2012. The flick is scheduled to come out in March of 2019. Jesus, I’m going to be piddling into my Depends and Marvel will still be turning the crank on the money machine.

Oscar-winner Brie’s talented so I’m sure she can pull this off. Luckily, she won’t have to wear Captain Marvel’s old costume which consisted of a leotard and the sluttiest superhero boots you’ve ever seen. Check them out in the gallery, along with some of Carol Danver’s other looks over the years (yes, she briefly had a star for a head), and shots of Brie looking decidely un-superheroic while shooting The Glass Castle in Montreal this past week. She looks like her trailer’s septic tank just glitched and she’s having to trudge over to the neighbors to use theirs.

Pics: Splash, @brielarson

Lindsay Lohan Accused Her Fiancé Of Cheating And Claimed That She’s Pregnant

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan, perhaps unsatisfied with the amount of attention that her most recent Instagram foolery (think mail-order brides for peace) afforded her, called her fiancé out for cheating in a multi-platform social media meltdown. In multiple posts, Linds begged her Russian millionaire betrothed Egor Tarabasov to come home from the club, and accused him of cheating on her with a Russian hooker. Isn’t that sort of thing how she met him? Oh, and she also claimed that she’s pregnant. I’ll wait while you microwave a breakfast burrito because a lot went down.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Revlon’s Outrageous line of outrageous shampoos and outrageous conditioners that outrageously transformed your non-outrageous hair into an outrageous mane of outrageous beauty and outrageous shine!

The hair of the people today is a lot less outrageous than it was in the 90s, because sadly, Revlon’s Outrageous was discontinued in the US and you can only get it on eBay, Amazon and possibly in Canada. In the 90s, Revlon decided that the word “outrageous” wasn’t getting enough love, so they created  Outrageous shampoos and conditioners and outrageously used the word “outrageous” at least 5,689,488 times in the ads and commercials for it.

I don’t know if “Outrageous” was the right name. “Classy” or “Elegant” would’ve been better, because that’s exactly what the bottle design for Outrageous was. Back then, I thought the black bottles with gold writing was SO EDGY and SO CLASSY and SO GLAMOROUS. It looked like one of Alexis Carrington’s dildos. The commercials were also the corner where 90s glamour and 90s elegance met. “Nothing except for a hard 9 inch peen lying on a Double Double” is the only acceptable answer to the question: What’s better than Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer flipping their stringy hair to a Technotronic song in between shots of a gold satin bed sheet blowing in the wind made by a fan?

Okay, maybe I was wrong about how Revlon shouldn’t have went with the name “Outrageous.” Because according to, the definition of “outrageous” is:

1. of the nature of or involving gross injury or wrong.
2. grossly offensive to the sense of right or decency. 
That name makes a lot more sense now, because I’m sure many hos tripped and injured themselves while running to the drugstore to buy Outrageous after seeing that outrageous commercial. And it was illegal and indecent for Claudia and Cindy’s hair to be full of that much body and shine. Outrageous!

Pic: Pinterest


Birthday Sluts

July 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Lynda Carter (65)
Bindi Irwin (18)
Emily Rickards (25)
Daveigh Chase (26)
Jay McGuiness (26)
Mara Wilson (29)
Megan Park (30)
Lisa Hochstein (34)
Elisabeth Moss (34)
Anna Paquin (34)
Summer Glau (35)
Rose Byrne (37)
Torrie Wilson (41)
JLo (47)
Kristin Chenoweth (48)
Laura Leighton (48)
Kadeem Hardison (51)
Barry Bonds (52)
Pam Tillis (59)
Gus Van Zant (64)
Michael Richards (67)
Robert Hays (69)
Gallagher (70)
Chris Sarandon (74)
Dan Hedaya (76)
Ruth Buzzi (80)
John Aniston (83)

Pic: Fanpop


Open Post: Hosted By Maitland Ward In Body Paint

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Here’s Phoebe Price tribute band Maitland Ward (she was Rachel on Boy Meets World) at a San Diego Comic-Con party sporting some body paint. The description claims that it’s a “costume of her own design” but you can’t fool a pop culture geek. She’s giving me Lion-o from the Thundercats with tits. Maitland seems to be a Comic-Con mainstay. There’s a whole horny Reddit thread devoted to her airbrushed ass.

My takeaway from these photos is that it looks like she might not have actually made it into the “private party.” I’m sensing a snag on the velvet rope. She looks like she’s posing beside a river at a site popular for dumping the corpses of drug dealers. Is that the back of a factory? Maybe the party was outside and the photographer thought that river area was a nice backdrop for her feline cosplay? Right. Hopefully she let someone know where she was going. Yikes.

Check out more pics of Maitland Ward in body paint in the gallery below.

Pics: WENN


The “Wonder Woman” Trailer Is Finally Here

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

After waiting for what feels like 6,789,400 years for Wonder Woman to finally get her own movie, the trailer for the WW movie moistened tips with nerd nectar when it was shown at Comic-Con in San Diego today. I only screamed, “SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER, SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER,” like 6 times while watching it, so that’s a good thing.

The trailer opens up with Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) finding Chris Pine on the shores of Paradise Island, and I prayed she wouldn’t start singing “A Part Of Your World,” because that beginning part gave me way too many Little Mermaid vibes. But thankfully for all of us, she doesn’t and the trailer then gives us Robin Wright on a horse, Wonder Woman doing some kind of Matrix floor slide and Wonder Woman taking down bitches with that Lasso of Truth. (I can’t wait for Halloween when messes dress up as WW and carry around a Lasso of Truth made of Christmas lights plugged into a tiny generator.) Never mind that Gal Gadot’s acting is a little on the “my Ambien is about to kick in” side, I am all for her preparing to destroy tricks with her sword while wearing a gown.

I am not a superhero nerd at all, but Lynda Carter as WW was one of my glamour icons as a child, so this trailer made me feel this weird thing called emotion and it warmed the blackened ice orb I call a heart. I had to go and look at a picture of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston to feel cold and bitter again. The only thing that trailer is missing is an invisible plane and Lynda Carter showing Gal Gadot how to spin into her Wonder Woman outfit as the 70s WW theme song plays. I’m sure that scene is in the final cut.

Since we’re on the subject of visual nerd lube, DC also squirted up footage from the Justice League movie at Comic-Con today. This shit has way too much Batffleck and not nearly enough Jason Momoa nipples.

Amber Rose Analyzes Kanye Vs. Taylor Swift

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Emoji mogul, Slut Walk founder, and now talk show host Amber Rose has something to say. Has she a talk show? Good on her! This clip (see below) didn’t irritate me. It’s because Amber’s ENORMOUS boobs transfixed me. They look like she’s yoked two feeding piglets. Those are some mammaries. Tits aside, Amber used her new VH-1 talk show as a platform from which to provide the earth with her take on the Kim and Kanye Kardashian-West vs. Taylor Swift situation. Did Amber attend the #KimExposedTaylorParty? Did she add a snake emoji to that deceptive Laura Ingalls Wilder impersonator’s Instagram? Kinda.

USWeekly reports that Amber, admitting that she’s not her ex MC Finger Puppet’sbiggest fan,” cited the 2009 VMAs Ima let you finish incident as evidence that Kanye wouldn’t go in on Tay Tay again.

“It was just a very hard time for him,” she recalled. “I watched people say that they did not want to work with him anymore because of it. … I know that Kanye would never ever go through that again by not calling Taylor and say, ‘Heads up, I’m about to go write this verse real quick. Just wanted to make sure you’re cool with it,’” Rose said. “I know that about Kanye.”

However, Amber closed her Kuntye forum by bringing up her presence as a wax effigy in Yeezy’s video for “Famous and offering her ex and his Chinese finger trap ass some sage advice.

“So, I say all of that to say: Why didn’t I get a phone call for using a naked wax figure in your video, Kanye?” Rose said to the camera, referring to West’s controversial “Famous” music video, which features a bevy of famous faces naked in bed with the musician. “I mean, Taylor gets a call but I don’t get a call. … Please stay the f–k out of the news so I don’t need to talk about your ass anymore.”

Wiser words have NEVER been spoken. Make sure that applies to the WHOLE family, Yeezus.

Check out more pics of Amber Rose filming her show on Hollywood Blvd. on Wednesday below.

Pics: Splash

Licking On Donuts Cost Ariana Grande A White House Performance

July 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Those eyes! The photographer was able to capture truly the fiendish imp that dwells within her! We learned this week that, much like The Blair Witch Project, The Fappening has a sequel. It’s called The Fappening 2: Fuck The DNC. Russia recently infodumped a whole mess of e-mails (20,000!) belonging to high-ranking Democratic National Committee officials via Wikileaks. Besides hating on Bernie Sanders, the leak revealed that Ariana Grande licked herself right out of a gig. Well, the “I hate Americans. I Hate America.” utterances probably didn’t help her, either.

Gawker reports (via the DNC hack that once again proves we should all just go back to paper and pen) Mimi Lite was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala“for President Obama. (Apparently the kids in Finance are big fans.) Finance chair Zachary Allen asked that Ariana be vetted before they let her hide the fact that she can’t dance from POTUS.

“Ariana Butera,” Deputy Compliance Director Kevin wrote in an incredibly detailed response. “Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

FYI – “Ariana Grande-Butera” is her real name. So Ariana’s ass was vetted. She was vetted to a crazy extent. They even noted how she tried to blame fat people for #Donutgate. Nevertheless, a guy by the name of (no, really and oh, this poor guy when he was a kid) Bobby Schmuck vetoed the donut-licking USA hater. He vetoed her very simply.

Nope, sorry.

Yes, you’ve been shut down by a guy named Schmuck. Schmuck was right. What if she started licking the various whore derves and desserts at that gala? What if she touched her tongue to several people’s crème brûlées before taking the stage to awkwardly “sexy frug” for POTUS? Thank you, Russia, for bringing this valuable intel to our attention.

Pic: Splash

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