As luck would have it, I’m once again the goddamned Pied Piper of baby stories. Usually it’s about someone pushing one out, but today I get to tell you all about some baby mess. No, I won’t be talking about barf and the shits, as much as I’d like to. We’re talking custody! And, well, kind of babies fighting for custody of a baby, because Louis Tomlinson and his babymama Briana Jungwirth are basically still chirruns. (Note from Allison: Louis is actually 24 years old, to which I say: “Whaaaat?“).
TMZ is saying that shit is about to get all kinds of legal for these two and their baby, Freddie Reign. Louis has reportedly had it up to here (the here is the top of the playpen, the highest point he can reach wid his widdle hand) with Briana denying him access to Freddie. Source types are saying Briana has been “inconsistent” with letting Louis spend time with Freddie, despite him dropping $15k into her bank account every month and getting her and the baby a house in Calabasas.
Things haven’t gone smoothly for these two in a long while. Mostly, the trouble is that Briana is trying to turn her Gold Digger’s Association card from a Bronze to a Platinum, but Louis and his lawyers have not been having it. There’s also been those pesky rumors that Freddie may not be Louis’. But if his constant Instagrams of the wee one are to be believed, he’s a devoted dad nonetheless.
On top of all that, there’s claims that Briana is being shady with the baby time because she doesn’t want him around Louis’ new girlfriend, Danielle Campbell. According to TMZ, Briana thinks Danielle is just a crazed Directioner and is pulling the “concerned for my child’s safety” card. Enough is apparently enough, and Louis wants to pursue getting 50/50 joint custody of Freddie. But Briana might not go for that. Sources are claiming that Briana will object to joint custody if Louis has a nanny present, because she thinks that’s not real parenting. Smart! Briana found that loophole and she’s working it the way she worked that baby outta him. Of course there’s going to be a nanny present! Louis is barely old enough to go potty by himself.
See, this is what happens when children are allowed to have children. Did no one learn the lesson when MTV aired the horror documentary, Teen Mom? Sure, Louis is 24 and Briana is 23, but let’s not beat around the playground. It’s basically the same text fight. “I don’t want MY BABY around YOUR new skank! All the girls told me you let her hold him in fifth period trig! Gross!” Briana better be real careful. Even though One Direction fans are now at an eighth grade reading level and pretend they’ve moved on, those bitches are rabid. Even if it is only Louis, and not a top-tier hottie like Harry or Zayn.