Woe Really Is Calvin Harris

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

As Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston meet with their team of publicists and body language experts to look over the storyboards for their next photo-op session, her ex-piece Calvin Harris continues to let out an open-mouth silent cry while clutching the deflated heart-shaped mylar balloon that she had sent to his homeroom on their one week anniversary. Calvin just can’t believe that Taylor has moved on so fast. He also can’t believe that she flew all the way to England to meet Tom’s mom and she never met his parents! This is the part in our saga where former Forever Alone team leader Jennifer Aniston sends Calvin a lonely bitch starter kit including cake batter, The Meg Ryan DVD Series, a boyfriend pillow and directions to the nearest cat adoption center.

A quick second after ToTay became a thing, they boarded her private jet of eternal love and went off to Nashville where he met her parents, and then they boarded her private jet of eternal love again and went off to England to meet his mom. Finding that out sent a rusty dagger of betrayal straight into Calvin’s already raw heart. Sources close to Calvin tell TMZ that he laughed after finding out that Taylor met Tom’s mom in the UK, because she apparently never wanted to meet his mom and dad. Calvin asked Taylor to meet his parents, who also live in the UK, but she waved that idea away, because she said it was too far away. Tom is “bewildered” and “astonished” over Taylor going to the UK to meet Tom’s mom.

The source adds that Calvin also thinks that Taylor is only with Tom, because there’s a chance Tom is going to be the next Bond and she wants to be the next Bond Girl. Two things:

  1. Taylor and Calvin were together for 15 months, so I have a hard time believing that she never met his parents. She seems like the type who wants to meet the parents on the 2nd date and after meeting them will say, “Babe, go to dinner without me, your mom and I are going to make strawberry bread and then watch Devious Maids!!!”
  2. If ToTay’s real and genuine love leads to anything, please let it lead to Tom and Taylor starring in a Bond movie together. We could all use a good comedy. Taylor would probably play Pussy Galore, only her Pussy Galore didn’t get her name because she’s a cat burglar. She got it because she owns so many adorable kittens!

Also, while trying to get away from the paps, Calvin backed his Range Rover up without closing one of its backdoors first:

Calvin later apologized on Twitter and gave a back-handed compliment to the paps. Hmmm… I bet those paps didn’t warn Calvin about that open backdoor (wink wink), because they’re on Taylor’s payroll and knew she would give them a bonus for letting that happen. Cold Taylor Swift is cold. Hasn’t Calvin Harris been through enough?!!

And here’s Taylor and Tom making the cherubs barf as they had breakfast and went on a helicopter ride in Rome today.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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