Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.
One quick minute after The Sun posted pictures of Tumblr’s Kryptonite (aka Tay and Tom’s couple name) touching lips on the beach, People said that Calvin didn’t know his ex was with Loki, but that he had already moved on and was happy. But a quick minute after that, TMZ burped up some “au contraire mon frère” shit when they claimed that Calvin is pissed and feels that Taylor did him wrong.
Tay Tay and Tom supposedly first met on May 2 at the Met Gala, where they did a PR couple ritual dance in front of everyone. We all found out about Tay Tay and Calvin’s break-up on June 1. TMZ’s source says that weeks before their blonde giraffe union ended, Calvin felt like something in the heart-shaped latte milk wasn’t clean. Calvin’s publicist, I mean the source, claims that his dick stayed true to Taylor, but he “suspected” something shady was going on in early May. Calvin probably knew he was on the outs when he watched Tay Tay play the MASH game with her cats and stuffed animals, and under “future husband” she wrote: Ken Carson, Karlie Kloss and TOM HIDDLESTON!
Right around the time The Sun’s pictures came out, Calvin did something extremely serious: he unfollowed Taylor on social media and erased her face from his Instagram. That is the equivalent of spray painting the words “Cheating Skank” on her car in front of her job.
When a Taylor Swift break-up happens, she’s always the one who’s painted as the “woe is me” bitch, so I’m thankful to the PR gods for the PLOT TWIST. I don’t even care if the bowl of soggy Cheerios and cold milk I had for breakfast had more heat wafting off of it than those pictures of Tay and Tom. I’m sure they’ll work on that for their next staged photo shoot.