The third remake of A Star Is Born has been in the works for what feels like a century. Clint Eastwood was originally going to direct and he wanted his beloved empty chair to star as the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role (if only). Clint wanted Beyonce and when Beyonce checked out due to “scheduling conflicts,” he started talking to Esperanza Spalding about the role. Pepaw Clint could never get the remake out of “development hell,” because he couldn’t get a big name to sign on to the male lead. Clint tried to get Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Tommy Cruise, Will Smith, Gerard Butler and Christian Bale, but all of them dropped a big messy NO on that offer. Clint eventually got over that shit and dropped out as director. Bradley Cooper decided that he wanted to be the one to butcher A Star Is Born, so he signed on as director and the male lead. Beyonce was once again thinking about bringing her flawless acting skills to the remake, but she turned it down for good, because she apparently costs too much. And now it looks like Lady Gaga is going to do it. A Mess Is Born is back on track!
B. Coop has been trying for months to get Lady Gaga to even think about doing it. Variety says that B. Coop met with dozens of actresses, but CaCa has always been on the very tippity top of his list, because I guess he feels like the remake is going to be a wreck anyway, so he may as well take it all the way. Gaga eventually got into the idea of doing it. Deadline says she did a screen test, which the studio bitches loved and that may or may not be because they were high on the wrong kind of shit at the time. So she’s now officially “in talks.”
The budget is probably going to be around $30 million and if it finally gets a greenlight, shooting will start in February 2017.
The chances of me growing a 10-inch dick out of my taint are greater than the chances of this remake of a remake of a remake of a remake actually happening. In 55 years when I’m on my death bed, I’ll ask my robot nurse to read me the important news of the day and she’ll tell me that Blue Ivy Carter’s daughter Beyonce Jr. is in talks to star opposite a Kris Kristofferson clone in the remake of A Star Is Born.
And since Judy and Barbra have been in remakes of A Star Is Born, B. Coop probably thinks he needs a gay icon to star in it and believes Gaga is that. But please, if he wants a major gay icon who is on the same level as Judy and Barbra, he needs to cast underrated jewel and gay rights champion Courtney Stodden. If you don’t believe me about The Porn Iguana being a gay rights champion, watch the completely appropriate and tasteful performance below: