I should probably clarify that those are two separate conversations. I’m sure I just let down a couple weirdos who got all tingly at the thought of Amy Schumer getting scissory with Jennifer Lawrence. Apologies to you, weirdos. You’ll have to go back to picturing Amy on Lily Tomlin’s coochie, I guess.
Amy Schumer is on the cover of Vogue this month looking like Glamour Shots portrait of a recently-divorced Cabbage Patch Mom trying to get back into the dating scene through Plenty of Fish. “The name on my adoption papers says Debra-Anne, but you can call me horny.” While promoting her soon-to-be released memoir, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, she talked about some of her other favorite subjects: sex, sucking dicks, and her BFFFTAFBTA (best famous friends forever till a fart blows them apart) Jennifer Lawrence.
On her first experiences with dick: “I was always boy crazy, but I wasn’t promiscuous,” she says. Her best friends were mostly Catholic-school girls with bad reputations. “They were acting out sexually years before me. I loved being around that, but I didn’t have sex until I was seventeen. And I didn’t give a blow job until I was well into college. I’m sure I had some sort of dick in my mouth, but I wasn’t performing sex acts until later.”
On really getting into dick in college: “I lost all my self-esteem freshman year. I think I was maybe in the twenty-fifth percentile in hotness. And then in my sophomore year, I probably had sex with six guys, and I was like, maybe I’m like Samantha in Sex and the City and I’ll just keep this train movin’ so that I don’t get attached to anybody. And you won’t believe this, but that did not work out.”
On how her cool girl friendship with America’s sexiest pizza burp was born: The most enviable girlmance in recent memory began when Amy posted a video of Jen talking about her on the red carpet. “I was just so excited that she knew who I was and liked me,” says Amy. Jen saw the post, emailed Amy, and said, ‘Maybe we could work together.’ “That was all I needed: I just wrote six scenes and sent them.”
On how she’s doing Hollywood differently: “I am very into making up my own rules. Like, I don’t want to play the game and succeed at it. I want to redefine it. That’s the only way I can deal with it. Maybe that’s naive.”
On whether she’s able to ignore the haters: “Some days there will be a bunch of Web sites dedicated to trying to get me to just shut my mouth, or I’ll walk into a greenroom and someone had a caricature artist draw me and it’s with a martini glass, looking like a linebacker with Jay Leno’s chin. That can get to me. I’m not without that vulnerability.”
You can read the rest here. She also gets into fashion, which she says she’s not really into. “Okay, well, go fuck yourself” sneered the Dark Lord of Vogue Anna Wintour as she was editing this month’s issue.
It’s cute that Amy thinks that humping on six guys made her the Samantha of her college. How innocent and sweet of her. Unless those six dicks happened during a four-hour blackout in the library or a tour of the campus gym, Samantha Jones is a wishful comparison. And even then, I’m sure Samantha Jones would be like “Six? At the same time, right? Honey, it’s college. You should be pulling more than all-nighters, if you catch my drift.”
Here’s more of Amy in Vogue looking very fancy. Well, except for that third picture of her doing stand-up in a busted girdle and shaper shorts. What are those, Sears Intimates? How dreadfully unfancy.
Pics: Annie Leibovitz/Vogue