I’ve always thought that if you’re going to burn bridges, cover that shit in gallons of gasoline, light that bitch up with a grenade, and after they’re all burned down, piss on the ashes while laughing. It seems like Noah Galvin, the star of the ABC show The Real O’Neals, agrees with me, because during an interview with Vulture, dude sharpened his shank, went in, cleaned it off with a towel, sharpened it a second time and went in again. Noah lined up Colton Haynes, Bryan Singer, some unnamed guest actor on his show, Eric Stonestreet and more and read them until his finger tips got sore from turning the pages. This interview is very “gay Katherine Heigl on steroids.” He let us KNOW!
The Ryan O’Neals (typo and it stays) is loosely based on Dan Savage’s teen years and what it was like growing up gay in a strict Catholic family in Chicago. 22-year-old Noah, who is out, plays the gay teen. Noah comes from the theater world in NYC and The Real O’Neals is his first big job in Hollywood. Noah starts off by saying that Hollywood isn’t that creative, so since he plays a funny gay kid on TV now, he may always be seen by producers as the funny gay kid.
But, on the other hand — it’s only happened like once so far — but I missed out on an opportunity, or wasn’t granted an opportunity, because people in L.A., producers and casting directors, are not the most creative. I don’t have like 30 IMDb credits. I have one. So when they see me play this character, they’re like, Oh, he’s really good at playing the funny gay kid. That’s what he does. Let’s have him do more of that! And I don’t really want to do that. I play this character, but I come from doing avant-garde, off-Broadway theater, playing all types. I want to keep doing that.
Noah started off pretty mild, but when the subject of Colton Haynes’ recent coming out was brought up, he cracked his knuckles, did a few stretches, kissed his fists and bopped a bitch.
That’s not coming out. That’s fucking pussy bullshit. That’s like, enough people assume that I sleep with men, so I’m just going to slightly confirm the fact that I’ve sucked a dick or two. That’s not doing anything for the little gays but giving them more masturbation material.
Note to all closeted actors who are thinking of coming out: If you want the Noah Galvin stamp of approval, make sure you say that you’ve sucked like three or four dicks! At least!
Noah then set his sights on Eric Stonestreet. Noah says that he doesn’t want his character Kenny to be the stereotypical one-dimensional flaming queen that is portrayed a lot on TV, and he brings up Eric Stonestreet’s gay minstrel performance on Modern Family as an example. When Noah was asked about Eric again, he spit this out:
Are you trying to get me to throw somebody under the bus right now? Because I’ve thrown Eric Stonestreet under the bus a solid seven times this week. No, I think as wonderful of an actor as Eric Stonestreet is — I’ve never met him, I assume he’s a wonderful guy — he’s playing a caricature of a caricature of a stereotype of stereotype on Modern Family. And he’s a straight man in real life. And as hilarious as that character is, there’s a lack of authenticity. I think people — especially young gay kids — they can laugh at it, and they can see it as a source of comedy, but like, nothing more than that. And I want Kenny to be more than the funny gay kid.
He then gets into talking about the gay scene in Hollywood and how it’s mostly filled with residents of the glass closet. He tells a story about an actor who got flirty with him, and Noah hit the guy back with forty five tons of sweetened charm:
There was a kid who guested on our show. He was flirting with me so blatantly, to the point where he asked me out a few times. At one point I turned to him and was like, Are you gay? And he was like, Well … I don’t know. I’m more like, go with the flow. And I was like, Shut the fuck up. Get out of my face with your wishy-washy bullshit answer. You’re a fucking faggot. Like, I know you are. You know you are. Stop beating around the bush. Just go make out with me in my dressing room.
Noah didn’t say whether or not they ended up touching tongues in his dressing room. If they did, then I need to use those pick-up lines the next time I go to the club. And finally, Noah dropped this about known twink chaser Bryan Singer:
Yeah. Bryan Singer likes to invite little boys over to his pool and diddle them in the fucking dark of night. [Laughs.] I want nothing to do with that. I think there are enough boys in L.A. that are questionably homosexual who are willing to do things with the right person who can get them in the door. In New York there is a healthy gay community, and that doesn’t exist in L.A.
The entire interview is here if you want to read it, but bring an extra absorbent mop, because it is an incredible mess. It sort of reads like an interview with a drunk 75-year-old actor who has been in the game so long that his being is completely free of fucks to give. I pictured Noah in a dusty fur coat that Francis Ford Coppola gave him as a gift on the first day of shooting many, many years ago, and he’s leaning up against a piano in a darkened, smoky lounge with a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth and a martini in his hand. He only stops dishing about the truths of Tinseltown to scream at the waiter. That martini glass isn’t going to fill itself, honey!
If his interviews are like this at 22, I hope I’m around to read his interviews in 50 years when he’s truly fuck deficient and has been through it.