Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris’ Eternal Love Has Died After Only 15 Months

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Why do I have a feeling that Taylor Swift’s record label is registering the album title “Last Night A DJ RUINED My Life” right now?

Here I was preparing my eye rolling muscles for maximum use, because I thought that Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris were going to get engaged any second and celebrate their engagement with photo-ops where she’d flash her engagement ring (a Sweet Secret with a real pink diamond in its body), but that’s not going to happen. Wonder Bread Barbie and Wonder Bread Ken have broken up after 15 long months.

People, UsWeekly, TMZ and everybody else all posted the break-up of Tayvin at the same time and I’m guessing they all got it from the same source (Hi, Tay Tay’s publicist!). But another source tells E! News that during homeroom, it was Calvin who passed Taylor a folded broken heart note and in it, it read, “We’re dun 🙁“.

“This all happened last week.

Taylor and Adam had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. Adam is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for Adam with his accident and supportive.”

So Calvin dumped her ass after he was in that bad car accident? I guess it’s true what they say. Your life really does flash before your eyes when you’re in an accident. Obviously those cringe-inducing vacation pics with Taylor flashed before Calvin’s eyes and so he quit her. But I do have to throw a “ho, please” at the break-up being mature and non-dramatic. Taylor doesn’t do mature and drama-free, and since she thinks she’s all edgy and grunge now, we’re probably going to get her version of Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know.” But instead of singing “Would she go down on you in a theater?”, she’s going to sing, “Would she cut your sandwich into a heart shape?” Everybody brace themselves!

Pic:@taylorswift

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