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California Cooler, “The Real Stuff!”

Many of us Americans will spend today getting drunk on white wine spritzers in between shoving barbecue-sauce slathered meat into our eating holes and tweeting, “It’s not Veteran’s Day, you dumb piece of stupid useless shit!”, at people on Twitter who tell us to thank a veteran today. And that could mean only one thing: It’s Memorial Day, the day we pay tribute to the men and women who died fighting for our freedom by boozing it up and stocking up on 25% off chonies at Macys.com.

While shopping for my weekend necessities at the grocery store, I almost bought wine coolers. But then I remembered that I’m a Sandra Lee disciple and a connoisseur of refined alcoholic beverages who makes his own wine coolers using Barefoot white wine and Tampico citrus punch.

Bartles & Jaymes is probably the most popular wine cooler in the game and Sun Country Wine Coolers is definitely known as the wine cooler with the greatest marketing team of all-time, but before any of those bitches existed, there was California Cooler. According to wine cooler history, California Cooler was the first wine cooler that was available to buy in stores. It was originally called Canada Cooler when it came out in the late-70s, but it eventually got a name change before it took the sweet nectar industry by storm.

By the mid-80s, California Cooler was selling millions of cases a year… and then Bartles & Jaymes came along. I guess Americans felt extra classy drinking a wine cooler that had the name of a mid-level law firm, because Bartles & Jaymes took California Cooler out as the king of wine coolers. Sales ate shit hard and California Cooler disappeared from shelves. A company called Majestic Brands announced in 2007 that California Cooler was making its triumphant return and they apparently shipped cases to stores, but I’ve never ever seen it in stores.

California Cooler was made with white wine and real fruit, and you knew it was real fruit, because there was pulp in it. So when you’re sunning your parts on your backyard patio today and you take a sip of your Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler and no pulp gets in your mouth, sigh and remind yourself that you’re not drinking “the real stuff.”