“Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?”
The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.
Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.
Earlier this year, Betty Sue moved in with Johnny and Amber, but before that, his hair saw a bottle of shampoo more than he saw his mother. From the time Johnny married Amber to the time Betty Sue moved in, he saw his mom only once. Johnny and Betty Sue apparently both blame Amber for keeping them apart. Betty Sue told friends that Amber is nothing but a gold digging fame whore who was using her son for money, fame and a career boost. Betty Sue’s friends probably looked at her with the same “well, um, yeah” look you’re making right now.
After Betty Sue moved into Johnny’s estate, the tension between her and Amber was obviously thick, so they had 2 face-to-face meetings with each other. They didn’t exactly leave the meeting skipping hand-in-hand to Things Remembered to buy matching engraved necklaces. Betty Sue used their meeting time to tell Amber that she’s a “terrible person.”
That explains why Amber filed for divorce just days after Betty Sue died at the age of 81. Amber probably didn’t do it before Betty Sue died, because she didn’t want to give her mother-in-law the sweet satisfaction of knowing she was soon going to be out of Johnny’s life. Today, Amber will probably get a giant bouquet of black roses with a card attached that reads: “To my idol and inspiration Amber Heard. From your fellow frozen hell demon Pimp Mama Kris.”
That story from TMZ seems to be coming from Team Johnny. So what is Team Amber spitting up? Well, People has a story about how Amber had second thoughts about marrying the Lord of the Scarves:
“Before Amber met Johnny she was just a regular super cool hipster chick living with roommates who dated girls. At their engagement party she kind of got cold feet… she was just like what is this scene and what am I doing here? She kind of couldn’t believe it was her life now.”
Amber probably had cold feet, because she always has cold feet. She’s made entirely of ice! If science came up with a way to miniaturize polar bears, they’d do it and inject those creatures into Amber’s heart because it never gets warm in there. You can GONG me for that one, but you should really be using your energy to shake your head at the People story, which sounds like it came from Team Amber. That’s the best they could do? They should’ve leaked a story that claimed Amber ended things with Johnny because she was sick of walking in on him having threesomes with his favorite scarf and a Vegemite-covered tomato he called “Barnee Babee.” And she’s only asking for spousal support because she needs a lot of money to replace all her clothes since Johnny stained her entire wardrobe with his skin grease.
And People also has a picture of Amber holding a tiny blue bag while leaving Tiffany & Co. in Beverly Hills yesterday. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but I just can’t after looking at that picture. When every trick is calling you a gold digger, co-sign them by doing a photo-op in front of Tiffany & Co. The only thing that would make that picture better is if Amber was holding what she bought: an extra shiny gold shovel pendant.