A Christmas miracle happened last December when Bill Cosby was hit with three aggravated assault charges for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand at his home in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania in 2004. The Pennsylvania District Attorney charged Cosby just a month before the statute of limitations on the case expired. Andrea sued Cosby in civil court in 2005 and the case was later settled. The case was also originally closed by the D.A. due to lack of evidence, but it was re-opened last summer after 97.9% of the female population came forward with their own gross tales of Cosby’s alleged drugging ways, and a deposition where he admitted to giving ludes to women was unsealed. Cosby’s lawyers have been trying to get the charges against him thrown out, but that didn’t work, and now he’s going to trial.
CNN says that at a pretrial hearing in Norristown, Pennsylvania this morning, a judge ruled that there’s enough evidence for him to stand trial. The next hearing has been scheduled for July 20, and he’s expected to spit out his plea then and we’re all expecting it to be, “Sqoo bada NOT nerp dub paw tap tap GUILTY!”
AP also recently published pieces of Cosby’s deposition from Andrea Constand’s lawsuit in 2005. Cosby admitted that during the filming of one of his shows, an agency sent about five or six models, some of them teenagers, to his studio a week. Cosby testified that he remembers that he told one of the teenage models to jack him off with lotion. More details like that could come out during Cosby’s trial. So if you’re planning on following the trial, you should ask your doctor to drill an easy-access hole into your skull. That way you can easily pour a cleansing mixture of bleach and ammonia onto your brain at the end of each trial day.
If Cosby is convicted, he faces up to 10 years in the chokey. Also if Bill Cosby is convicted, our bodies face a life of having no heads, because that shit will pop off over finding out that a powerful man in Hollywood was actually punished for something.