Apropos of nothing (really – even he admits he had no reason to be there), Dax Shepard was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night. Little did he know he was actually there for a very valid reason, and that was to tell Jimmy Kimmel and the world a story about his vasectomy that begins with a pregnancy scare and ends with him jerking it into a jar in his car.
Unlike the character he played in Idiocracy, Frito Pendejo, who I assume was sterile from years of chronic ‘baitin and edible chemical exposure, Dax Shepard used to be quite fertile. So fertile in fact that he’s been able to successfully knock up his wife Kristen Bell twice on purpose and almost once on accident. According to Dax, the last one happened recently. Kristen got sick, so she assumed it meant she was probably pregnant again. Dax already has to be responsible for two kids under the age of three, and the thought of adding more to the equation made his dick break out into a cold sweat. That’s when he decided to sneak off to get a vasectomy.
Of course, they need to make sure the vasectomy worked, and there’s two ways you can test for that kind of thing. One, knock up your lady, thus proving that you should find your receipt and ask for a refund. Or two, come back a while later with a cup o’ jizz so they can look at them under a microscope and see if you’re sterile. Dax chose Option #2. The only problem was that he had a two-hour window to yank it before his appointment, and he had to do it before he got there. Thanks to a meeting running later than he expected, he ended up “providing a sample“, if you will, in a rinsed-out mason jar while driving to his appointment. Skip to the 4:03 mark to watch Dax explain it all in vivid detail.
Sadly, I doubt that’s the grossest thing that’s been done while driving in Los Angeles. I’m sure if you ask Kendra Wilkinson, she’d be like “Eh, that was pretty much every trip to Ralphs when we lived at the mansion.”
Here’s a not-knocked-up Kristen Bell at the NBC Universal Upfronts earlier this week.