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Mark the Chicken, the true winner of  Survivor: Kaôh Rōng!

I think I may be the only trick who actually liked last night’s flaming pile of shit ending to the 5,601,562th season of Survivor, because it was a real WTF. It gave me a reason to hit the bong, so thank you for that, Survivor.

Going into last night’s season finale, I figured that there was no way that the jury would give the Survivor crown and the $1 million prize to the one member of the final 3 who didn’t really do shit, but they did! Michele Fitzgerald, the pretty girl who smiled her way through the game and made less moves than a rock lying on the campsite ground, won the $1 million prize and was voted the winner by a jury of 7 (she got 5 votes total). Like most, out of the final 3, I wanted the 40% less neurotic, 100% less annoying and 100% less insufferable version of Lena Dunham known as Aubry Bracco to win. Tai Tran, the former HSOTD and gentle tree of a man, deserved to win over Michele too. I should’ve known that Michele would come out victorious, because the pretty, popular people always win at life! Survivor should go ahead and change their tagline to: Outwit, Outplay, And If You Can’t Do That, Just Be Pretty And Likable.

But really, the one who outwitted and outplayed them all was Mark the Chicken! Mark the Chicken is the only winner of last season’s Survivor that I’ll accept.

Mark the Chicken became a member of the Beauty Tribe (aka Tai’s tribe) on episode one and he made it all the way to the end. Tai, being the child of Mother Nature that he is, protected Mark the Chicken and wouldn’t let anybody send his feathered friend to poultry heaven. Mark was at the final tribal council, and Tai says he gave his beloved chicken soulmate to Jeff Probst. Jeff promised Tai that he’d give Mark to a local family. But what Jeff should’ve done is found a way to bring Mark back to America, so that he could crown that chicken the real winner of Survivor. Mark the Chicken outwitted those bitches into not killing and cooking him, and he did it without being able to speak human. Whoever uses “bird-brain” as insult to dumbasses hasn’t met Mark the Chicken! Mark the Chicken better come back for the next All-Stars season.

Mark the Chicken’s personal Captain Save-A-Ho, Tai, ended up in third place, but he didn’t go home with an empty wallet. Another WTF moment happened when Sia crashed the stage in her black and white cookie wig to give Tai a special gift. Sia loves Survivor and is apparently friends with Jeff. Sia announced that she will donate $50,000 to her favorite Tai and $50,000 to the animal charity of his choice:

You know that the other losers were thinking to themselves, “Shit, I should’ve sang Mark a nightly bedtime lullaby while gently brushing his feathers with a comb made out of fish bones, because if I did that, Sia may have given my ass a stack of cash too!”

Oh, and next season’s theme of Survivor is “Millennials vs. Gen X.” So yeah, those of us who watch Survivor without fail better stock up on weed and wine, and beg the makers of BenGay to make an eyeball version, because we’re going to need it with all the eye rolling we’ll be doing.

Pic: CBS