Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.
Kanye pretty much brought his Twitter page to life when he spit out another river of hilarious delusion about his genius. Kanye repeated many of the things he said on Twitter earlier this year when he went on about how he wants Mark Zuckerberg and the other moguls of Silicon Valley to give him at least $1 billion so that he can make the world a better place. Kanye expanded on that thought by getting into #OscarsSoWhite, Payless, bullying and how he just wants a chance to revolutionize the fashion industry. Kanye also said that he has a “neurological phenomenon” called synesthesia, which causes him to see music. I once thought I had synesthesia, but then I realized I was just experiencing a condition called BEING HIGH AS FUCK ON EDIBLES.
Here’s Kanye’s 8-minute-long monologue which is giving me “Tom Cruise in Magnolia” meets “Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire”:
If you can’t watch that video, here’s what he said about bullying and Payless:
“I remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. I called the head of Payless and I said ‘I want to work with you, I want to take all this information that I’ve learned from sitting at all these fashion shows and knocking down all these doors and buying all these expensive clothes and I want to take away bullying’.”
I always wore knock-off brands from the swap meet and many of my clothes came from Mervyn’s, but if I wore $300 sneakers and was driven to school by David Hasselhoff himself in KITT, the kids would still say to me, “Cool shoes and car…for a stupid faggot!” But maybe Kanye is on to something. Payless is an underrated treasure trove. Magic does happen at Payless. I mean, they can take a bland pair of white satin heels and dye them any color. It’s magic! It’s glamour! So maybe the antidote to bullying does lie in Payless!
And since we’re currently visiting the alternate universe called Kanye’s mind, here’s a story that Ninja from Die Antwoord, the South African purveyors of musical fuckery, told in a video. Ninja went to Kanye’s mansion to work on some tracks, and during their time together, the Booty Play Lothario watched an anal fisting video and offered up some banana pudding. Ninja said that he wasn’t sure about taking the banana pudding, because he thought it could be a euphemism for some kind of sick cream pie felching shit. But it turned out to be banana pudding that Kim Kartrashian made (yeah right).
“He was telling me that he like loses his shit sometimes and he takes pills cause he likes freaks out. So I was like, ‘What do you mean?’ And he’s like, sometimes if he doesn’t take pills, he loses his shit and screams. I was like, ‘That’s so dope!’ And it started to make sense and I was like, ‘Why don’t we fuck with a tune where you like lose your shit? That’s fucking sick.’ I had this idea for a track, and as I’m about to say shit about the track, Kanye just turns away and switches on like an ass sex video, like an anal sex video. Like a random anal sex video. And then Kanye says, ‘Why is this guy putting his whole hand in her ass with his dick?’ And then he turned back to me and said, ‘Sorry, what were you saying?’
As I’m about to talk about the track again, Kanye’s like, ‘Do you like banana pudding?’ And I’m like, ‘Do I like banana pudding?’ I didn’t know if pudding is dessert or if it means ‘banana pudding.’ Like you’re just watching this bum sex video and then you turn around. And then he said, ‘Yo, wifey made some banana pudding.’ So I went to Kanye’s house to eat some banana pudding that Kim Kardashian made.”
I can practically see clouds of optimism fill Kanye’s head as he watches that butt fisting video and thinks to himself, “One day, I’ll get there! I just need to practice more!” And here’s Ninja telling the tale of his time with Kanye while in a bathroom:
Kanye should be proud of himself, because you’ve reached peak weird when you’ve managed to weird out someone from Die Antwoord.
And here’s noted banana pudding chef Kim modeling face #8 while wearing Liberace’s rhinestone table runner over a Spanx cocoon at some event in Cannes.