The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.
Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:
“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”
This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.
The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.