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May 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Nabisco’s Escort Crackers!

I had never heard of Nabisco’s Escort Crackers until reader Angela slipped them into my box and let me know that they were an edible piece of pure elegance back in the day. Escort Crackers were introduced by Nabisco on a silver platter sometime in the early 1970s and stuck around until at least the early 1980s.

Escort Crackers were for those of you who had $1,000-an-hour call girl tastes but were on a “half-assed afternoon hand job from a toothless rest stop hooker” budget. If you ever had THE QUEEN over your house and wanted to serve her a spread that would outdo anything that was served to her at Buckingham Palace, you’d serve her General Foods International Coffee, Opera Creme cookies, Breyers Viennetta and Escort Crackers.

Escort Crackers’ slogan probably inspired Prince to write the lyric, “You don’t have to be rich to be my girl.” That’s what Escort’s slogan’s should’ve been: “You don’t have to be rich to eat our biscuits.”

Sadly, Escort Crackers are gone now, because the people of America no longer crave true decadence and sophistication. Because of THIS ECONOMY, Nabisco replaced Escort Crackers with Day-Shift Whore Biscuits, and later with Craigslist Hustler Saltines.

Pic: Vintage Paper Ads

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