A $15,000 Gold Dildo, And Other Pretentious Crap From Goop’s Sex Issue

May 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!

Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.

Goop continued to be a parody of itself by covering the Sex Toys section of their issue with all kinds of opulent shit. There’s a $155 “wellness Mandingo wand” (MESS!), a $395 vibrating nipple clamp necklace, a $535 whip and an item that’s perfect for you ladies who have nicknamed your ‘gina “Va-Zsa Zsa,” because it prefers the finer things in life. There’s a $15,000 25k gold vibrator by Lelo, and I’m a little disappointed that Goop didn’t pair it with caviar-scented cooch lube, Ben Wa balls made of giant black pearls and a champagne vagina rinse. I checked the description of that $15,000 gold vibrator on Lelo’s site, and they don’t mention if it will make your chocha cum gold nuggets like it’s the Gold Rush. They also don’t say whether or not it comes complete with a hot piece who knows how to use it and will make you blueberry pancakes afterward. That 25k gold dildo can also double as a Gwyneth Paltrow sculpture.

The Goop Sexy Times Issue also gets into a members-only (membership ranges from $10k to $50k) erotic theater in Los Angeles (think Eyes Wide Shut but with 1000% more fat, old, balding rich men) and how you can get yourself horny by moving your body in “non-linear ways” (aka dancing). They also really get into poon lips moisturization, condoms and lube.

If you’ve got a thirsty vagina that is dehydrated, and steaming doesn’t work, try taking a spin class while eating wild salmon with one hand and rubbing Vitamin E oil on your labia with the other:

Increase sources of omega-3 fatty acids, such as wild salmon, sardines, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, pumpkin seeds, hemp seeds, or hemp milk. Any activity that increases blood flow to the pelvic region—like cycling—helps to increase natural lubrication over time. Topically you can apply Vitamin E oil or olive oil to the labia to help moisturize and strengthen the vaginal tissue.

Goopy probably only uses condoms made from the shed skin of a monarch caterpillar, but for us peasants, Goop recommends using dairy-free, glycerine-free and a bunch-of-other-stuff-free rubbers:

Condoms are so important and I definitely feel that the benefits of condoms (protection against STIs and pregnancy at the same time) far outweigh the risk of being exposed to these chemicals and toxins. But even a good thing can be improved and understanding what’s in our condoms can help drive consumers and drive demand for even safer options. Ideally, you want to find a vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom.

And lube! Goop brought up a joke product that Lily Tomlin’s character creates in Grace & Frankie. Frankie makes a farm-to-vagina organic yam lube that’s made with organic yams and coconut oil. Goop doesn’t exactly say to goopy up your ungoopy part by rubbing an organic yam on it. But they do say to only use paraben-free lube you can eat:

When it comes to lube, if it is safe to eat, it is generally safe to apply. If a lubricant is needed, I recommend organic coconut oil, olive oil, aloe vera gel, or almond oil—they are free from preservatives and are safe alternatives to conventional lubricants. Oils, however, do compromise the integrity of latex, so don’t use oils with a latex condom.

I don’t know if any of those tips or old or useful or what, but that mess sounds exhausting, like everything Goopy does. First, you have to get yourself fuck-ready by doing some non-linear moves. Then you have to make sure your condom is PiperPerabo-free and your lube is safe enough to spread on an actual muffin. Tiring! Some of us will just stick to taking 2 minutes out of our day to fap to PornHub on our phone in the bathroom. Okay, okay, I’ll try to do it the Goop way by using mashed yams as lube. There’s a marshmallow joke in there that I don’t want to touch.

Pic: Lelo

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