Woody Allen gave a new interview to The Hollywood Reporter to promote his new movie Cafe Society and his show for Amazon, so you know what that means. You better call up the paramedics to tell them to stop by in about 10 minutes and to warm up the defibrillator pads, because your brains are probably going to turn off over the creepy dingles that spilled out of Woody’s mouth and they’re going to need to be jumpstarted.
Toby Turtle’s creepy uncle talked about how he doesn’t use a computer at all (“I should’ve thought of that.” – Subway Jared), has never emailed anyone and cast Miley Cyrus in his series for Amazon after watching her in Hannah Montana. Woody Allen watching Hannah Montana is not the visual my already-damaged mind needed today. Stephen Galloway of THR asked 80-year-old Woody how his 45-year-old wife of over 18 years, Soon-Yi Previn, has changed him. No, Woody didn’t say, “Well, I can usually make it to the potty throughout the day, but she usually has to change my nappy in the morning. And she does a great job.”
Instead of Woody saying how Soon-Yi changed him, he patted himself on the back by saying how he took her from a starving street urchin to a highly educated, sophisticated woman of the world. (Note: Mia Farrow and Andre Previn adopted Soon-Yi when she was 7, not Woody.) If a barf puddle was trained in the art of grooming by ‘Enry ‘Iggins, it’d be Woody Allen.
Oh, well, one of the great experiences of my life has been my wife. She had a very, very difficult upbringing in Korea: She was an orphan on the streets, living out of trash cans and starving as a 6-year-old. And she was picked up and put in an orphanage. And so I’ve been able to really make her life better. I provided her with enormous opportunities, and she has sparked to them. She’s educated herself and has tons of friends and children and got a college degree and went to graduate school, and she has traveled all over with me now. She’s very sophisticated and has been to all the great capitals of Europe. She has just become a different person. So the contributions I’ve made to her life have given me more pleasure than all my films.
Since Woody didn’t answer the question, Stephen Galloway tried again and asked him how Soon-Yi changed HIM:
(Allen pauses.) Well, she’s given me a lot of pleasure. I adore her, and she’s given me a wonderful life. We’ve been married 20 years. And we were together for a few years before that. And she has given me the great years of my life, personally. She’s a great companion and a great wife. She has given me a stable and wonderful home life and great companionship. I guess whenever you meet somebody and they’re the right person for you, there is a great emotional contribution they make to your life.
And Stephen tried a third time:
(Pauses.) Changed me? I don’t know if you could say she changed me. I don’t know if I’ve changed. I might be the same person I was when I was 20. I’m not sure. I mean, I seem to have the same habits, the same work habits, the same phobias, the same enjoyments. I don’t think I have changed much over the years at all. When you mention it, I try and think about the ways [I’ve changed]. I don’t know if I’ve changed much.
The last time Woody talked about Soon-Yi, he said that they got together because he liked her “youth and energy” and she needed someone “paternal.” That made many of us go to our local tailor to have a zipper installed on our back so we could easily take off our skin and scrub it with ammonia against a washboard in the sink. Well, I’m going to have to unzip my skin again after picturing a drop of drool trickling down Woody’s face as he said, “…she’s given me a lot of pleasure.”