Many book of fables will tell you that bridge trolls don’t do themes, because stupid human novelties like that are beneath them and the only thing that really brings them joy is hearing the blood-curdling moans of their victim as they siphon out that mortal’s soul for giving the wrong answer to their riddle. So, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen rolled their eyes at the Met Gala’s little theme, “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” and instead showed up in their usual look: 400-year-old immortal witch who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan where by day, she runs a curiosities shop that specializes in vintage skulls of extinct animals, and by night, she sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping children where she listens to their breathing before stealing the dreams from their dreamcatcher.
Honestly, I’d be disappointed if they did show up in some silver metallic gown and didn’t wear sacks made from the dusty curtains they snatched from an abandoned funeral home during the night. No, the Trollsens didn’t dress the theme (“What do you mean? We thought the theme was future and in the future when we take over the world, you’ll all be wearing these sacks as our sweat shop slaves.” – the Trollsens), but they did partake in Vogue’s photo booth thing. Using leftover set pieces from Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream” video, Vogue put together a photo booth and filmed guests doing their own thing. The Olsens did their own thing, which was to the freeze the souls of everyone with their eyes.
In your nightmares tonight, there will be a long hall and at the end of that hall you’ll find these two waiting for you. Pull out your Purell brand of holy water and prepare to spray it at the screen.
SANTO DIOS! Oh well, sleeping is overrated anyway. I don’t need it anymore.