Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reflect upon the numerous jokes and humorous lines our departing President made last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. It was, of course, his last one and he and his team made sure that whoever follows, will have a tough act to follow, comedy wise – including the host for the night, Larry Wilmore, but more on that later. President Barack Obama not only addressed the upcoming election and everything surrounding it, he also got in some good ones about the celebrities that were there.
You can watch the whole thing above, but if you’re too lazy or hungover – it’s Sunday, I know – then allow me to enchant you with some of the best highlights.
He’d made no mention of Jabba the Trump and while pretending to wrap it all up he finally dived into the end of the pool marked “Easy Trump Jokes”:
“Well let me conclude tonight on a more serious note. I want to thank the Washington press corps. The free press is central to our democracy and … nah! I’m just kidding! You know I’m gonna talk about Trump! Come on! And it is surprising: You’ve got a room full of reporters, celebrities, cameras — and he says no. Is this dinner too tacky for The Donald? What could he possibly be doing instead? Is he at home, eating a Trump steak, tweeting out insults to Angela Merkel? What’s he doing?”
While I appreciate the joke, and actually find it funny, I’m also a little peeved because now he’s got me thinking about what Trump may or may not be doing on a Saturday night. I’d imagine he’s holding Melania Trump on a chain in a gold bikini, forcing her to rub orange spray tan on his “body“, is that the right word? Hopefully he found time to sit down and seriously consider Mary Carey‘s bid to run as his VP.
Early on he addressed his recent visit to England and how he got to meet the country’s most precious jewel. No, not Jodie Marsh, she’s TOO precious for anyone to have access to, even him. He was talking about Prince George, who greeted him ever so graciously in a bathrobe. Of the meeting, he said,
“Last week Prince George showed up to our meeting in his bathrobe. That was a slap in the face.”
I’m assuming he means that metaphorically because a royal would never, themselves, slap a face, they have a servant whose job that is.
On the topic of his successor, Obama seems to be just as lost as we are in our predictions. He said,
“Next year at this time, someone else will be standing here in this very spot, and it’s anyone’s guess who she will be.”
Zing! I liked that one. He also jabbed at Hillary Clinton for the whole “C.P. time” disaster that also included New York mayor, Bill de Blasio, saying,
“I know I was a little late tonight. I was running on CPT — which stands for jokes that white people should not make.”
Of Hillary’s Democratic arch rival, Bernie Sanders, who was there, he said,
“Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or to put it in terms you understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.”
Obama also summed up Kendull Jenner perfectly and while doing so, made Pimp Mama Kris’ hidden demon horns tingle over the president mentioning one of her hos:
“I’m not sure exactly what she does, but I’m told that my Twitter mentions are about to go through the roof.”
Yep. Nail on the head. Helen Mirren was there, who everyone loves, including him, he said,
“Helen Mirren is here tonight. I don’t even have a joke here. I just think Helen Mirren is awesome.”
I mentioned Larry Wilmore earlier, the host of the evening and host of The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore, who was up after President Obama, and his portion of the night and shit didn’t go down so well. You can watch it below, but the long and short of it is that he used the “N word” a lot, he went all the way in and it went over as well as Warren G singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” at a Cubs game. It was a whole lot of awkward;
All in all, this was some pretty funny and classy shit. Whoever get’s elected, we can rest assured that the dinner will not be anything close to this. If Bernie wins it’ll be a BYOB thing on the front lawn, Hillary will make this some super fancy shit and charge $350k a plate and if it’s Donald… well… we’ve all seen Jabba try and feed Luke to the Sarlacc. Obama, you made me laugh, and for that I salute you.