Planters Cheez Balls!
Two things about Planters Cheeze Balls: 1. I can’t believe they don’t exist anymore. 2. I can’t believe they’ve never been hit with the Hot Slut of the Day stamp.
Cheez Balls haven’t been around for 10 years, but I always forget that, and in my head you can easily find them on a shelf in every single grocery store in the world! But then I remember that I’m confusing them with a bunch of shameless imposters (I’m looking at you, Utz Girl). Nowadays, all the cheese balls I see brag about how they’re made with “real cheese,” like we should be all wowed by that. But back in the olden days, Planters practically bragged that their Cheez Balls were made with NO real cheese! Those were the days.
Planters had to spell cheese with a “z,” because you’d find more real cheese inside of a dead ant’s ass. The insides of those of us who ate Cheez Balls as kids are probably covered with an orange-colored chemical powder that will never ever disintegrate. If a Medical Examiner has to do an autopsy on our body after we die, they’ll open it up and immediately write, “slow death by Cheez Balls,” on our death certificate.
Oh, Cheez Balls, you were gone before your time…. And I bet the likes of Mama June and Brit Brit Spears miss Cheez Balls in a bad way too, because now they have to use another brand of cheese balls to make their anal beads and it’s just not the same.