From The “Harpo, Who Dis Woman?” Hall Of Fame…
These pictures passed through my Twitter timeline and inbox yesterday like crazy, and at first I thought it was yet another “Becky with the Good Hair” meme. But when my eyeballs noticed that the name “Lil’ Kim” was attached to them, my retinas transformed into questions marks and I thought that everyone’s phone auto-corrected the name “Katie Price” to “Lil’ Kim,” because the person in those pictures look more like Harvey Price’s mommy than Royal Reign’s.
The always-changing shapeshifter Lil’ Kim once again made the Internet burp up a giant “HUH?” yesterday when she posted those brain-warping selfies (but can you call them “selfies” if you don’t really look like yourself?) on Instagram next to the caption: “Miami Heat!!!” I know that the humidity in Miami fucks with people’s soul but I didn’t know that it had the power to change faces entirely. It looks like Lil’ Kim loaded up those pictures with the Pumpkin Spice Latte and pink UGGs Instagram filters, because she looks like a 20-something aspiring Instagram model/beauty vlogger named Chelsee Sparklez who uses a line from Pretty Little Liars as her email signature and runs the 4th biggest Channing Tatum appreciation Tumblr. Those selfies are kind of giving me Gigi Hadid face-swapping with Renee Zellweger circa 2001.
Those pictures of Lil’ Kim looking like anybody but Lil’ Kim brought out this old quote from a Newsweek interview from 2000:
“I have low self-esteem and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type. Really beautiful women that left me thinking, ‘How I can I compete with that?’ Being a regular black girl wasn’t good enough. [My breast implants] surgery was the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life. But people made such a big deal about it. White women get them every day. It was to make me look the way I wanted to look. It’s my body.”
So, I guess, Lil’ Kim is doing herself up the way she wants to do herself up. But reading a thousand rants from my crazier relatives on Facebook have taught me one thing: when all else fails, blame Obama. So I blame Obama for this.
And here’s some pictures from earlier this month of Lil’ Kim looking a little more Lil’ Kim-ish.
