Proving once again that publicists are some of the hardest workers in Hollywood (second only to the person who made Johnny Depp look somewhat clean in that apology video), People magazine has named Jennifer Aniston as 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Yes, Jennifer Aniston, of the soon-to-be released holiday-themed blockbuster Mother’s Day. I believe that’s what’s known in ~the biz~ as expert-level hustling. The Mother’s Day marketing team is really going hard. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Modern Hairpiece Monthly names Julia Roberts’ recycled Ronald McWintour wig 2016’s Best Comeback.
And she’s really selling it on that cover too. Her hand is saying “Who me?“, while her face is saying “Oh come on, you know it was going to be me. That beautiful bitch Thor doesn’t have to start hustling his next movie till 2017.” She’s also wearing florals, because of course she is. If Jenny had her way, she’d be in something black from Armani. But they’ve got a movie about moms to sell, so she’s working that casual Ann Taylor LOFT realness. That was probably the compromise. “Fine, I’ll wear the flower shirt. But I draw the line at the dress that has MOTHER’S DAY IN THEATERS APRIL 29 written all over it.”
Jennifer also has stuff to say about being the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Jenny was “very, very flattered” when she was told that she beat out the other 3.52 billion women for the title. She also wants you to know the Jennifer you see before you is the result of cutting back on milkshakes and gravy-covered fries when she was younger. Well, I guess there goes my shot at the title; milkshakes and poutine are the load-bearing bottom brick of my food pyramid.
Obviously being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World by People magazine is a high honor, but I still can’t help but think that it’s a popularity contest. Jennifer has won twice. Twice! I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but they could at least give some other beauties a chance. Like, I saw a woman in the mall yesterday who contoured eyebrows on top of her eyebrows. She had four eyebrows. If that doesn’t deserve at least an honorable Most Beautiful mention, then I don’t know what does.