I’ve been putting up crosses, pictures of the baby Jesus and lighting prayer candles all week to protect myself from the impending apocalypse, which started yesterday. Hell fire rained down, demons joyously jumped through fields and string headband sales skyrocketed. My friends, pray with me… Coachella is upon us. Thankfully, I live on the East Coast, so I’m not in the danger zone, but these things spread. The hell mouth that has opened up in California to let loose boho dresses and string fringe vests could very well continue to grow and swallow the whole world. Let’s take a look at some of the devastation.
Formerly famous person and visual nightmare, Tara Reid was there. I think I’m thankful for a Tara sighting because that means there are some angels fighting the good fight and she is bringing some of her Taradise into the faux-hippie maelstrom. She’s in disguise, as “one of them”, but rest assured, she’s there to do good work and teach the children that vodka is always a better choice than some cabbage a white guy with dreads sold you and said was “some primo grass”.
Speaking of hot blasts of farts past, the true queen of being famous for being famous, Paris Hilton, was also there! God, my 13-year-old self would have thought this was the most glamorous event ever. How I long for it to be 2002 again, when a party wasn’t a party without Paris and Tara. Paris went for the gothic black widow look and, judging by the guy behind her, blinded people with her star power.
Things got even scarier when American Horror Story: Emma Roberts showed up. Emma decided to wear her grandma’s tea cosy and jeans that some devil nearly tore right off her and her friend got to wear a a curtain from a Barbie pool cabana playset. The evil is so strong there that Emma can’t even walk on her own!
The true sign of the apocalypse appeared when Kendall Jenner showed up. Every time a Kardashian/Jenner shows up to an event (all the events, ever) an angel dies. The phrase “cultural appropriation” is very hot right now, so I’m gonna go with that and lambaste Kendall for appropriating hair that belongs to and is only acceptable at the Kids Choice Awards circa 1997. Can’t wait for Ghouliana Rancic to say she looks like she smells of orange blimp award and slime.
Hailey Baldwin showed up in this get up. I hope she somehow, somewhere runs into some real cholas and they scare it into her not to wear this dollar store costume again.
Kellan Lutz showed up looking for attention, which is the point of this whole thing. I think the Times Square Naked Cowboy should sue him for jacking his look. And that finger, I’m pretty sure he’s pointing towards the exit and saying “Over there is the safe area. Run while you can. Look what this town has done to me.”
Zoe Kravitz was there too because, duh, she’s so rock’n’roll. Did you know her dad is Lenny Kravitz? Yeah, music runs in her blood so being at this authentic celebration of music makes sense. But she’s such a fucking rebel she just wore jeans and a t-shirt. None of that fake maxi dress headband shit for her. Rock on!
And, OF COURSE, Coachella wouldn’t be Coachella without its reigning queen of all things headbanded, beaded and macramed, Vanessa Hudgens! Bow down before the human embodiment of this horrifying and repugnant show and tell Instagram nightmare.
Vanessa also instagrammed a picture of her nails. I can say, with total confidence, these are the most disgusting nails I have ever seen. From the shit brown color to the glued on Barbie earrings.
A photo posted by Vanessa Hudgens (@vanessahudgens) on
Well, this has just been the first day of Hell on Earth. Let’s all pray together and maybe we can lessen the damage. Check out the gallery for more disturbing images.