Sia Looks AWFUL On The Cover Of Vogue

April 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!

Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.

Not too long ago, Taylor promised us she was going to take a break and spend her days reenacting scenes from Avonlea with her cats in the puppet theater she had built in the rec room of her Rhode Island mansion. But she lied, because here she is on the cover of Vogue looking like a blond Milla Jovovich impersonator if that blond Milla Jovovich impersonator fell into the East River and was pulled out in a sequined net. Taylor didn’t only do a photo shoot where they made her look like a frazzled Q-Tip doing Courtney Love drag, she also said words in an interview. You can read the entire interview here, but below are a few choice nuggets:

On how her relationship with that DJ is so magical and low-key, which is why she splatters their vacation pictures all over Instagram: “I’m just taking things as they come. I’m in a magical relationship right now. And of course I want it to be ours, and low-key…this is the one thing that’s been mine about my personal life.”

On how everyone is bored with her Kanye feud, which is why she pretty much brought him up during her speech at the Grammys this year: “I think the world is so bored with the saga. I don’t want to add anything to it, because then there’s just more.”

On how she thinks people got on her for dating dudes, and that Grammy speech : “You know, I went out on a normal amount of dates in my early 20s, and I got absolutely slaughtered for it. And it took a lot of hard work and altering my decision-making. I didn’t date for two and a half years. Should I have had to do that? No. I guess what I wanted to call attention to in my speech at the Grammys was how it’s going to be difficult if you’re a woman who wants to achieve something in her life—no matter what.”

On people saying her Girl Squad is manufactured: “Ugh. I’ve had people say really hurtful things about me, and so I’ve kind of learned how to gauge it: ‘This is, like, low-to-medium-level hurtful.’ There are a lot of really easy ways to dispel rumors. If they say you are pregnant, all you have to do is continue to not be pregnant and not have a baby. If the rumor is that you have fake friendships, all you have to do is continue to be there for each other. And when we’re all friends in fifteen years and raising our kids together, maybe somebody will look back and go, ‘That was kind of ridiculous what we said about Taylor and her friends.’”

A big chunk of the interview happened at the wedding of Taylor’s childhood best friend in Pennsylvania. Tay Tay was her maid of honor and when she wasn’t talking to Vogue at a table, she was entertaining the guests:

Later on, there will be cake. Later on, there will be dancing, those flower girls getting a story that is going to totally blow their classmates’ minds at school on Monday. Later on, the wedding band will entice Swift to the stage, where she will sing “Shake It Off” for her childhood friend on her wedding night and an audience that for the first time in history isn’t waving 10,000 smartphones in her face. The night—the whole weekend—is storybook warm.

I was going to joke about how that wedding sounds like The Taylor Swift Show (featuring some bride and some groom)… But when you invite Taylor Swift to your wedding, you should know that she’s probably going to bring a writer from Vogue as her plus one and will sing that rejected Jackson 5 song at your reception. And you shouldn’t be surprised when nobody’s there to see you and your husband drive off to your honeymoon because they’re too busy trying to get a selfie with Taylor of Green Gables.

And here’s more pictures from what may be my favorite Tay Tay photo shoot ever.

Pics: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott/Vogue

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