When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.
People confirmed that a third fetus has checked into Megan Fox’s uterus, and last night, she told them she had a CASE OF THE BABIES while shooting:
“I’m always in the process of having a baby and looking like I didn’t have a baby,” she told PEOPLE at the event. “I was training. There was no access to healthy food on the set so I ended up losing weight because I was hungry all the time.”
Last August, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green (aka forever David Silver to me) announced they were done with being married to each other, so of course everyone’s playing a rebooted version of “Who Is January Jones’ Baby Father?” called “Who Is Megan Fox’s Baby Father?” Megan and BAG are apparently still living in the same house and have been seen together, so his corn on the cob dick (I will never stop linking that pic) probably sexed a third baby into her. They already have 2 sons: 3 1/2-year-old Noah and 2-year-old Bodhi Ransom. I see BAG trying to bareback bone his way to a bigger alimony check. Well played, BAG.
But since the real news (aka gossip) has been drier than a great grandma’s coochie after watching Mini-Me’s sex tape, we’re all thirsty for some scandal and have been guessing who, other than BAG, could’ve made a baby with Megan Fox? It wasn’t Shia LaDouche, because he probably jizzes in his crusty chonies just from touching Megan Fox. And I wasn’t totally paying attention in school, but I’m pretty sure the jizz fishes have to swim into the chocha tunnel to make a baby. Was it Stephen Amell? Or maybe Will Arnett? If that’s the case, she’s probably going to give birth to a Botoxed and burnt raisin. I’m going to go with one of the Turtles and say it’s Michelangelo. He looks like the kind of turtle douche who’d say, “I promise I’ll pull out, baby.” And yes, I think I just wrote human/mutant turtle porn.