Well, it’s the weekend and I’m in Florida (HELP) so of course there’s a new story about Charlie Sheen and his ex-fiance, Brett Rossi, real name Scottine. I woke up with the overwhelming desire to cry because I lost my phone last night but seeing this story has given me some clarity. When you think you’re a mess, have acted a mess, just messed mess, think of Charlie Sheen and Brett Rossi. Or Charlie Sheen and anyone. Even Charlie Sheen and inanimate objects. There is no way he doesn’t yell at and allegedly threaten inanimate objects the same way he does living things.
As reported by world renowned journalist, me, last weekend, Brett Rossi filed for a restraining order against Charlie after hearing recordings of him talking about how he’d like to hire someone to kick her head in, amongst other very classy and normal things. The LA Times is reporting that Brett got her restraining order, a temporary one, yesterday. The Times also says that this is hot on the heels of the LAPD saying, on Wednesday, that Charlie is under investigation for alleged threats he made against Brett.
Brett’s lawyer, talking about why the police were contacted after those tapes leaked said, “fearing for her safety, the LAPD was contacted, and she got a protective order to keep Sheen away. She knows what he his capable of… she was scared for her life.” The cynical side of me wants to read that statement as “fearing for her checkbook and Z-list fame…” but this is Charlie we’re talking about so she’s smart for fearing for her life. This is the guy she accused, in a lawsuit, of doing things like holding an unloaded gun to her head and repeatedly pulling the trigger. Charlie’s lawyer said, of the accusations, “he never kicked, choked, dragged, shook, or struck [her] and he never threatened to kill her or forced her to have an abortion. as she wildly alleges.” Umm. That’s like when someone starts a sentence with “not to be a jerk“. If you have to disclaim, justify or go into that much detail, then I’m going to assume that you are definitely being a jerk and that Charlie most likely did all those things.
And because this is Charlie Sheen, there’s more! Dylan Howard, the editor-in-chief of the world’s most reliable news source, The National Enquirer, has a long, very long, essay out in The Hollywood Reporter about his dealings with the mess that is Charlie Sheen. The two were apparently very close friends until Dylan started looking into the rumors that Charlie was HIV-positive. I’m not going to lie, it’s hella grim and dark, burt such is La Vie de Charlie. There’s a lot in it, like supposed peen sucking, more hush money than you could dream of and even a child sex offender. To entice you all to read it, here’s a prime example of the type of colorful dialogue you’ll be enchanted by:
“Go hug your fucking parents, OK?” he yelled. “I don’t care if they’re dead or alive. Dig them up and hug their decaying corpses. You motherfucker. How fucking dare you? You fucking hurt the last fucking thing you should hurt. One more story, bro, and you’ll wake up looking into my fucking eyes, you fucking whore pig. I fucking dare you. Now it’s a challenge. I fucking dare you.” Then Charlie hung up.
Have a great weekend and thank your lucky stars that you have nothing to do with Charlie Sheen!