Earlier today, Jennifer Lopez released her new single, “Ain’t Your Mama“, which may or may not be the response she gives whenever she receives a text message from Casper Smart asking to borrow $40 for an eyebrow waxing session.
JLo, who is serving ten tons of Photoshopped Gil Elvgren realness in that pin-up picture from the single, is set to debut “Ain’t Your Mama” live on the final episode of American Idol tonight. Poor JLo. She really picked the wrong night to promote her new single. Nobody’s going to pay any attention to her performance after William Hung puts everyone in a hypnotic trance with his arthritic robot dance moves. Thankfully she remembered to drop “Ain’t Your Mama” on iTunes first before it’s completely overshadowed by the real talent on Idol.
As for the song, it was produced by the music industry’s current alleged villain, Dr. Luke, and co-written by Meghan Trainor. From what I gleaned while listening to the lyrics, it’s about JLo telling the lazy videogame-playing man in her life that she isn’t going to be cooking his dinner or scrubbing the scootch marks out of the ass of his boxers. See? Dr. Luke can’t be a “not good person” (copyright: Kelly Clarkson) to women; he has a feminist mom and produces girl power songs! Here it is. Warning: JLo’s satin-wrapped ass pads in the picture above is the best part of this song.
Shit, what did Casper do to go from “I Luh Ya Papi” to getting yelled at for his insubordination? JLo is not your mama, Casper! You’ve got to earn that money by doing chores around the house like any other kept boy toy. You better start pulling your weight, or else you’re going to find yourself calling your real mama and asking her to pick you and all your shit up from JLo’s house.
Pic: Jennifer Lopez