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April 7, 2016 / Posted by:

American Idol legend RHONETTA!

Tonight, an era ends! American Idol will air its last episode before it disappears from our TV screens FOREVER….or until those evil overlords at Fox decide to reboot it in 4 months with an all-star judging panel featuring Iggy Azalea, Chad Kroeger and Aaron Carter. I used to watch American Idol as though I was an abuelita and it was my favorite novela. I regularly recapped it here and I even voted almost every week. But when the pilled-up heart of the show Paula Abdul packed up the medicine cabinet full of Vicodin in her dressing room and stumbled out the exit door, I followed her.

Yes, American Idol is partly responsible for Ryan Seacrest’s transformation from an L.A. radio show host into an all-powerful, frosty-tipped goblin whose diabolical heart, and bank accounts, rejuvenate from unleashing evil onto the world, but it also gifted us with many, many treasures. American Idol gave us the triumphant return of Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell’s lusciously angry tits, the Pants on the Ground guy, Sanjaya,  those weird Ford commercials, the Claymates, the fucked-up Idol parody WB Superstar USA and RHONETTA!

The Empress of Confidence became, for me, the breakout star of season 5, and when the judges made the wrong decision of not sending her to Hollywood, she declared that she’d be bigger than the winner. She was right. Taylor Hicks won that season and nobody remembers that outlet store version of George Clooney, but everybody (read: me and only me) remembers Rhonetta! Rhonetta was also right when she said that she’d be bigger than JLo. According to Rhonetta’s Twitter bio, she’s touring everywhere while JLo is a judge on the very show that she was the star of in its prime!

William Hung is supposed to be on tonight’s final episode and that’s just wrong. It should be Rhonetta. The only way American Idol should end is with Rhonetta and Paula Abdul kissing and making up. They should also sing a medley of Paula’s greatest hits before sharing a cup of bubbly water as they stroll into the sunset that’s shaped like Rhonetta’s exquisitely-crafted matte Sharpie eyebrows.

Pic: @RhonettaJohnson

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