The Time That Johnathon Schaech Was Ellen’s Merkin

Around the same time that Johnathon Schaech set the tips of my young gay nipples on fire by going topless in How To Make An American Quilt, he briefly got into the beard merkin game. The ex Mr. Christina Applegate, who’s currently on DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, did a Reddit AMA (via Towleroad) on Sunday, and one Redditor brought up the time in 1995 when he was photographed with Ellen DeGeneres at events. Apparently, back then, Johnathon also talked about dating Ellen. During his AMA, Johnathon said that his manager set them up, because Ellen was afraid that if people found out she was a certified gayelle, her sitcom would tank.

Johnathan said that he was honored to fake date Ellen for a minute:

My manager asked me to accompany her to events. She was scared people would not watch the show, her sitcom Ellen, because she was gay. It was an honor. I grew up with two gay aunts and a gay uncle. My aunt died of cancer. She was a proud woman and she didn’t get proper care because she didn’t want to be away from her partner. Hospitals didn’t allow partners the same rights as a spouse. When you have someone you love in your life that is gay or a lesbian it’s very clear that they deserve the same rights as anyone else. It’s not about religion. If you don’t love ELLEN now — you don’t watch her show. She’s a great example for the human race.

When the Redditor straight-up asked him if he was Ellen’s beard, he said this:

She wasnt out…I was suppose to perform in her coming out episode but I ran the marathon and couldnt walk the next day, the netowrk fired me cause they thought I was lame. I was lame, DONT RUN A MARATHON when your given a great gift.

Well, Johnathon Schaech’s bearding days are completely over thanks to that answer. The first rule of Beard Club is that you need to get training from sensei beard Kelly Preston, because nobody does like it her. The second rule of Beard Club is that you never ever admit that you’re a beard or have bearded. You take that shit to the grave. I don’t care if Ellen has long been out and the entire planet knows that she’s strictly clitly, you still keep the beard oath of honor and say, “Um, um, yes, we dated, we were very much in love and she dumped me. I’m still not over it. Please respect my privacy at this difficult time.” If he ever sees Kelly Preston out in public, she’s going to spit on him, and you know, he’ll deserve it!

Pic: Getty