Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Kellogg’s Kream Krunch cereal!

I’m always going on about the sugary fuckery in a bowl from the 1980s, so it’s about time we pay tribute to the sugary fuckery in a bowl from before then. A reader, whose name may or may not be Methuselah, sent me a link to a cereal that nearly rotted his teeth out and gave him toddler diabetes in the 60s. In the 1980s, we had Ice Cream Cones cereal and it was truly a nutritional part of any breakfast, because it was made of puffed wheat and that’s on the food pyramid! But in the mid-60s, they had a cereal that was made of actual ice cream. They didn’t give a fuck.

Today, “Kream Krunch” may sound like the stuff Pimp Mama Kris’ poor housekeeper has to scrape off of her panties with acid and a high grade chisel after she squirts out a river of excitement over one of her hos getting attention (yes, we’ll get to that STUNT QUEEN shit in a minute). But back in 1964 or 1965, Kream Krunch was the name of a cereal from Kellogg’s that was made up of O-shaped oat pieces and chunks of freeze-dried ice cream. Freeze-dried ice cream mixed with oats and milk sounds like something that’d taste like barf, sweet sugary barf. I’d eat it so fast that I’d probably swallow the bowl too.

Strangely enough, parents in the 60s looked at that cereal and thought to themselves, “What is that unhealthy shit?“, as they sucked on their fourth cigarette of the morning before downing their breakfast, a mug full of whiskey. (Side note: I really want to be a parent circa 1960s.) Kream Krunch didn’t take off and it was sent to the cereal morgue in 1965.

But apparently, it lives on in the minds of every hardcore cereal box collector (yes, they exist). A Kream Krunch cereal box was sold for $1,200 in 2005. Kream Krunch cereal also now lives forever in the darkest part of my nightmares thanks to its mascot which looks like a demonic creature from HELL. Yeah, those chunks aren’t freeze-dried cereal, they’re Lucifer’s blood!

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