Beyonce, seen above looking like she’s waiting for a bucket’s worth of dirty strip club water to drop on her, recently did an interview with ELLE to pimp out her new athletic clothing line, Ivy Park. You know, the one that caused the Beyhive to burn an effigy of Lululemon in the town square after they suggested that Bey’s sweatshirts and yoga pants were a lazy copy of theirs. How dare they! Obviously Bey’s sweatshirts and yoga pants are made of the finest materials the Illuminati can find. For real though, Beyonce says Ivy Park is high quality shit and can perform miracles on your ass. She also talks to her billionaire friend’s daughter about being powerful and Mama Tina Knowles’ psychic mama abilities.
On how she clearly used the same materials to make her pants that the Kardashians use to defy the laws of gravity and keep their asses from dragging on the ground: “There’s an invisible underlining in our garments that sucks you in and lifts your bottom so that when you’re on a bike, or when you’re running or jumping, you don’t feel that extra reverb…Everything lifts and sucks in your waist and enhances the female form.”
On the Beyonce of tomorrow basically being an Advil in a lacefront: “I hope I can create art that helps people heal. Art that makes people feel proud of their struggle. Everyone experiences pain, but sometimes you need to be uncomfortable to transform. Pain is not pretty, but I wasn’t able to hold my daughter in my arms until I experienced the pain of childbirth!”
On when Beyonce first realized she was BEYONCE!!!: “I’d say I discovered my power after the first Destiny’s Child album. The label didn’t really believe we were pop stars. They underestimated us.”
On how Mama Tina always knows when her Bey-by needs her: “She texts me the most powerful prayers, and they always come right when I need them. I know I’m tapped into her emotional Wi-Fi.”
Daddy Knowles would send motivational prayer texts to Beyonce too if she would just give him the damn Wi-Fi password already. Listen to me, acting like Beyonce’s deadbeat daddy isn’t totally using a pay-as-you-go flip phone.
Here’s more of Beyonce working that welder-by-day/stripper-by-night look while modeling pieces of Ivy Park for ELLE. I know Beyonce really wanted to try her hand at the whole Flashdance thing. But sadly, it can’t compare to the gold standard of Flashdance knock-offs, Geri Halliwell’s video for “It’s Raining Men.” Beyonce, you tried, but there just isn’t enough half-naked European dancers to hold my attention.