Apparently Tarzan And Jane Like It Rough

March 31, 2016 / Posted by:

Alexander Skarsgard may have the body of a jacked kangaroo, but he has the face of a vintage Puppy Surprise. It’s really hard for me to picture him having sex in any way other than surrounded by thousands of white taper candles as a shimmering tear gently rolls down his cheek and through the expert-level labyrinth that is his abs.

So naturally I assumed that when Skarsgard’s Tarzan finally does it with Margot Robbie’s Jane in The Legend of Tarzan (a movie I’m still bummed out isn’t actually a prequel to Magic Mike about Tarzan’s humble stripper beginnings), it would be all soft-focus and set to an instrumental arrangement of “I’ll Make Love To You.” But according to David Yates, the director of Tarzan, it sounds like I’m way off. David recently admitted to Entertainment Weekly that things got all Fifty Shades of Loincloth while filming the sex scene between Skarsgard and Margot. It got so wild, Jane ended up punching Tarzan and leaving a bruise.

“They’re doing this love scene together, and I said [to Robbie], ‘Just slap Alex while you’re making love, just kind of give him a punch.’ It was sort of an earthy, sensual moment of her enjoying sex with Alex, and the only bruise he picked up during the entire shoot was probably that punch from Margot. Which says a lot about her feistiness.”

I think the most shocking part about this story is that she punched with enough force to leave a bruise. Skarsgard’s body looks like it was built from high-density PVC in the same factory that makes those dead-eyed martial arts dummies. So I’m legitimately surprised that story didn’t end with Margot’s fist, wrist, radius, ulna, humerus, and shoulder shattering into a million pieces while the director looked on, like “Oh shit, I really hope those pecs have insurance…

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