Over the weekend, 27-year-old Jessica Lowndes (that’s Adrianna to the four of us who watched the 90210 reboot) got herself some attention on Instagram when she queefed up post after post about a mystery older sugar daddy who’s filling her chocha with his liver spots-ridden fingers and slathering her in diamonds. The president of the Society of Gold Diggers, Heather Mills, probably held back on sending Jessica a tiny gold shovel membership pin, because her posts were suspect from the beginning. Jessica’s Instagram posts about her sugar pepaw came out of nowhere and came off about as natural and believable as her acting skills. Part of me guessed that Jessica finally got a job as a spokeswhore for SeekingArrangement.com. But then last night, 58-year-old Jon Lovitz blew minds out of heads (not really) when he revealed himself as Jessica’s rich old piece by tweeting this picture of them together and calling her his “bunny.” Jon Lovitz’s “Yes, tricks, this is what I have to do for attention now” face pretty much says everything that needs to be said.
Three days ago, the Shasta Cola version of Megan Fox posted a picture of her in her sugar daddy’s Bentley, and notice that she’s wearing the same kindergarten ass teacher outfit that she’s wearing in the “reveal” photo with Jon Lovitz.
Jessica then really made hos play the “Whose Wealthy Grandaddy Dick Is Adrianna From 90210 Bouncing On?” game when she posted this picture of her supposed man’s pepaw paw clutching her thigh:
And she posted this (Courtney Stodden must be her caption writer):
And she also posted this Photoshopped picture of a ring that’s supposed to look like a Mimi-approved diamond but kind of looks like some cubic zirconia special bought with 4 Flex Pays from HSN:
And before Jon Lovitz unmasked himself as Jessica’s supposed fiancé, she posted this organic video of her casually waking up in full makeup and done-up hair:
If this is a real thing, then Jessica needs to take a crash course in gold digging by a master like Jerry Hall, because yeah, Jon Lovitz is rich, but I don’t think he’s “bragging about my rich sugar daddy on Instagram” levels of rich. If this is a promo for a project they’re doing together (like Lifetime’s new movie Mother May I Sleep With Ugh: The Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Story), then Lifetime’s marketing department should really give them more money for future Instagram posts. I mean, nothing says “no-budget stunt” like not washing the creases out of the brand new bed sheets in your Instagram video because you need to return them to T.J. Maxx for a full refund.