Hot Slut Of The Day!

The moment in last night’s The Passion Live when Jesus Christ rose on top of a Westin to yodel out a Katy Perry song. 

“Jesus be a weed man dropping a giant bag of the good shit on my front door, because I am definitely not stoned enough for this shit” is probably what the three people (including my ass) who actually watched Fox’s sometimes-live musical about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ said last night. When Fox announced that they were gifting the world with a Tyler Perry-hosted live Jesus Christ musical, I just knew it would be a parade of fuckery, and they didn’t really disappoint.

I can’t even call The Passion Live a musical. It was part pageant, part concert, part news report and part Sunday school lesson wrapped in extra thick layers of foolery. It was a weird holy mess! I also can’t even call it The Passion Live, because it wasn’t entirely live. It was more like The Passion Live (Some Of The Time). Many of the New Orleans street scenes were shot before. They also didn’t write any new songs for it. They used “popular” songs and many of them were Christian-like rock songs from the early aughts. It was like Jesus Christ Superstar if Jesus Christ Superstar was re-worked in 2003 by an Ed Hardy-t-shirt-wearing 8th grader. Jesus sang Creed’s “With Arms  Wide Open” and Judas sang Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life.” Some Christians may have Googled, “How to convert to atheism,” after seeing JC sing a Creed song, but it made me a believer!

Jencarlos Canela from Telenovela starred as JC, Chris Daughtry was Judas, Seal was Pontius Pilate, Prince Royce was Peter and Trisha Yearwood “played” JC’s mother Mary. I threw played in air quotes, because Trisha wasn’t in any acting scenes! She only stood on the stage and sang songs while wearing the same dress. Sadly, Mary Magdalene wasn’t in it at all. I was really hoping that Tyler Perry would come out on stage in his Madea drag to sing an Avril Lavigne song as Mary Magdalene.

My absolute favorite part was when Jesus Christ was resurrected and sang Katy Perry’s “Unconditionally” on top of a Westin hotel while dressed up like a Backstreet Boy circa 1999. After that happened, Yolanda Adams sang “When The Saints Go Marching In.” See, WHAT? doesn’t even begin to describe this.

I’m surprised that moment didn’t really bring on the Second Coming of the real Jesus. Jesus probably had to fight the urge to come back down here to slap everyone involved in The Passion Live, because he would never rise on top of a Westin. A W Hotel or a Sheraton,  maybe, but never a Westin!

Churches really need to take note. This is what we want to see during mass. I may risk bursting into actual flames by stepping into a church if I knew that sometime during the service, a dude would sing a pop song as JC.

If you missed this masterpiece extravaganza last night (and judging by the ratings, you did), here’s a few of the performances. Yes, Jesus died just so Seal could sing a Tears for Fears song while dressed up like Donald Trump.

Yolanda Adams doing Kelly Rowland’s “When Love Takes Over“

Peter, JC and Judas doing Celine Dion’s “Love Can Move Mountains“

Judas doing Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life“

Jesus doing Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open“

Peter doing Hoobastank’s “The Reason“

Jesus doing Train’s “Calling All Angels”

Mary doing Lifehouse’s “Broken“

Yolanda Adams doing “When The Saints Go Marching In“

And finally, Pontius Pilate doing Tears For Fears’ “Mad World“