Chris Martin Is A Delicate Flower But His Bandmates Are Not

March 19, 2016 / Posted by:

You know the saying “you are what you eat”? Yes. You do. You also know that whole thing about hang around trash too long and you’ll start stinking? Yeah. That too. Well, there’s a reason sayings become sayings, cliches becomes cliches and the DListed writers drink. Because they’re true! We can all check another thing off on that list of “duh” and “wow I’m so surprised” – Chris Martin. He’s consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow but it seems that he hasn’t consciously uncoupled from her antics, approach to life and how to act like a normal human… who happens to have all the money in the world and “enjoys” things like macrobiotic meals and organic bird foot facials.

Page Six is reporting that while Coldplay – the band that is the answer to every white man’s favorite band section on Match.com – were performing on Today earlier in the week, Chris got treated like a precious dew drop while his bandmates were treated like buckets of mop water. It was pissing down rain while they “entertained” a crowd of people that are clearly fucking insane for waking up that early to see Coldplay. After their set was done, handlers and assistants ran to La Preciosa Diamante Muy Delicata, Chris, with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and those blankets runners get after a marathon and blowdryers and a mink burpy cloth and a chaise lounge, but the other members of the band got jack shit. They didn’t even get a Shamwow thrown at them by a sleazy producer saying “wipe ya self off kid, ya look like a slut“.

A rep for the band responded by saying that “this is absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining. Pouring, actually, freezing-cold rain.” And except that he forgot there were other people in Coldplay, right? I did. I thought it was just Chris Martin and some time out dolls he dresses up in hemp t-shirts with vaguely *spiritual* symbols on them. The band apparently stayed after the show to hang out with member of the Vehicular Manslaughter Club, former first lady Laura Bush (other members include Brandy Norwood, Rebecca Gayheart and Caitlyn Jenner). I don’t know what’s less believable – that Coldplay’s handlers give a shit about any of the other band members or that the band hung out with Laura Bush.

Pic: Wenn

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