We’ve all been slowly driving by Ben Affleck in our convertibles with the top down, sunglasses on, coffee in hand, watching. Waiting for when the real messy shit is gonna start. Him and Jennifer Garner split almost a year ago but are doing their damn hardest to tell us all “we’re friends and our kids love it! Look! We go on vacation and still live together!” Other than the nanny and Jen’s recent Vanity Fair article there hasn’t been much reason to put the car in park or even idle. The CW level star of this whole thing has been Ben’s enormous, so cool, not Ed Hardy-like (RIP, girl), totally not mid-life crisis phoenix back tattoo. But now, apparently, Ben has been S1m0ne-ing us. She’s not real! She doesn’t exist!
Ben and Henry Cavill sat down with living non-threatening Latino Ken doll, Mario Lopez, for Extra, to chit and chat about this little indie they worked on, Batman V Superman. It’s something to do with the struggle to be human and doing the right thing. Snooze! Mario knows we don’t care about some low-budget, limited release turd, so he made sure to ask about Ben’s back masterpiece.
Mario: The tat on your back – real or fake for a movie?
Ben: Fake for a movie.
Mario: But you’re not at liberty to talk about it?
Ben: I actually do have a number of tattoos… but I try to have them in places where you don’t have to do a lot of cover up… they get sort of addictive, tattoos, after awhile.
Typing all that had me thinking of their initials, BM. Which is what this weak “for a movie” defense sounds like to me. BM and BS. I’m calling BS, Ben. You’re gonna sit there and lie to us, the audiences that have watched you grow from an out of the blue Oscar winner to the star of Gigli we see before us today? For shame, Ben, for shame. If she doesn’t exist, why is Jennifer Garner talking about her? Why is Jennifer Garner throwing her a smile and a wave in Vanity Fair so the bitch knows to be scared? You can lie to us, Ben, fine, but don’t lie to yourself!!