One of Hulk Hogan’s lawyers is probably on top of a ladder and is trying to peel off his bandana from the ceiling, because that shit probably blew off of his head after a jury awarded him $115 million in damages from Gawker. And just like that, Linda Hogan’s deep fried coochie suddenly has the tingles for Hulk Hogan once again.
The pile of charred muscles in a bandana sued Gawker Media, its founder Nick Denton and editor A.J. Daulerio for $100 million for posting clips from a sex tape of him humping on his friend Bubba the Love Sponge’s then-wife Heather Clem. The footage was taken from a security camera in Bubba and Heather’s bedroom. Hulk didn’t know he was being recorded. Gawker, at first, refused to take it down. Hulk Hogan’s lawyers and Gawker’s lawyers have been battling it out in a court room in St. Petersburg, FL for almost two weeks. Thanks to their court battle, we learned that Hulk Hogan’s dick isn’t the size of the Hammaconda. (“More like isn’t the size of one of the Hammaconda’s premature babies.” – Jon Hamm)
Hulk argued that his privacy was violated and he suffered emotional distress. Gawker argued that the sex tape was newsworthy since Hulk Hogan is famous and shit, and they said they had a right under the First Amendment to post it. It took the jury six hours to side with Hulk Hogan and they decided that $100 million wasn’t enough, so they threw him another $15 million.
Reuters says that they gave Hulk Hogan $60 million for emotional distress and $55 million for economic damages. Hulk got dropped by the WWE, because in the sex tape, he mouth farted up the n-word when talking about a dude Brooke Hogan dated. Hulk Hogan may get even more money when the jury goes back on Monday to figure out punitive damages. Nick Denton had a feeling they were going to lose hard, because before the verdict was read, he said in a statement that they plan to appeal.
“Given key evidence and the most important witness were both improperly withheld from this jury, we all knew the appeals court will need to resolve the case. I want to thank our lawyers for their outstanding work and am confident that we would have prevailed at trial if we had been allowed to present the full case to the jury. That’s why we feel very positive about the appeal that we have already begun preparing, as we expect to win this case ultimately.”
Because of Florida law, Gawker will have to post a $50 million bond to appeal.
And here’s the moment before Hulk’s bandana blew off of his head as he cried tanned tears of happiness while thinking about how he’ll soon own Gawker. Yes, he’ll change the name to GawkAtBrookesLegs.com and yes, it’ll be nothing but post after post of pictures of his daughter.