When Jamie Oliver isn’t out there trying to be the kindler, gentler and healthier Gordon Ramsay, he’s busting fat-free raw nuts up into his wife Jools Oliver and making babies.
Jamie and Jools were at the London premiere of Eddie The Eagle tonight and it was clear that she was either trying to smuggle in bags of popcorn or another fetus has checked into womb. It’s the second one, duh. They told The Mirror that their hippie-named child army is about to get its fifth member. Jamie and Jools’ current child army is made up of 3 girls and 1 boy, and he said that he’d like another dude baby, but he’s okay with whatever they get. Jamie also said that after their fifth kid is born, Jools is going to put up a closed sign on her uterus and pull down the metal gate, because they’re going to retire from the baby making game.
“You know what, I’m always grateful for what I get, it would be nice to balance it out a bit. A bit more testosterone would probably be a good thing, but do you know what, I’m just grateful for whatever I get if it’s healthy and I mean that sincerely.
This was not expected, I can’t even believe I’m saying it. I think my own family were like ‘really?’. But we’re all tuned in to kids, it’s good, it’s carnage.”
But really, who cares about all that. The only thing that matters is what kind of Bath & Body Works lotion scent of a name are they going to give their fifth baby. Jamie and Jools have been purveyors of fuckery-infused baby names for years and they better not let us down for the first time. Jamie only told The Mirror that he’s leaving the name-picking to his wife, as he’s always done. In case you forgot, these are the names of their kids. No, I’m not high on acid and typing the things I’m hallucinating. These are their real names.
Their 14-year-old daughter’s name is Poppy Honey Rosie.
Their 12-year-old daughter’s name is Daisy Boo Pamela.
Their 6-year-old daughter’s name is Petal Blossom Rainbow.
Their 5-year-old son’s name is Buddy Bear Maurice.
So based on those names, I’m going to guess that if it’s a girl, they’re going to name her: Periwinkle Agave Anne, Pollen Bloom Cloud, Daffodil Sparkle Claire or Scootaloo Pound Cake Lotus. If they have a boy, they’re going to name him: Pal Panda Capone or Chum Camel Vito. Or maybe they’ll completely make us all prolapse out of shock by giving their kid a name like: Jane [no middle name] Oliver. God, I hope not.