Shia LaBeouf And His No Brows-Having Girlfriend Are Probably Engaged

March 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Last July, the human form of a clump of pubes blocking a drain got into a loud, wreck of a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth on the street and it ended with him hitching a ride to the airport with strangers. The strangers recorded  Shia LaBeouf saying that he would’ve killed Mia if he stayed there. When someone is on record saying that they were thisclose to murdering you, that may be your cue to delete their phone number and send them a break-up letter written on the back of a restraining order. LaDouche and Mia broke up for a second, but they got back together. And now UsWeekly is saying that they’re promised to be married and TMZ has pictures of Mia of the Sunset Valley Goths wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her hitchin’ finger.

I can’t believe Shia didn’t get her a ring he made himself out of a ball of his own foreskin cheese, braided ass hairs and a kidney stone he passed during one of his meltdowns. And he thinks of himself as an artiste!

You can’t tell by that tweet, but Shia is wearing CROCS with socks in the picture on the left. If you look at the pic, it’ll make your boner die, rise again to make sure it really saw that ugliness and die again. That is the NO of NOs. You can’t trust a bitch who wears CROCS out in public and you really can’t trust a bitch who wears CROCS with socks out in public. Grown humans who wear CROCS with socks are the ladders of people.

UsWeekly says that LaDouche and Mia were paying for their groceries at a supermarket in L.A. when he dribbled out the marriage news to the cashier. Right before the cashier scanned their cold brew coffee, PBR and artisanal pickled ramps, they probably looked into Mia’s eyes and screamed, “RUUUUUUN, Mia, RUUUUUN!

According to one, the couple was grabbing groceries at Gelson’s earlier this month when LaBeouf, 29, told the cashier that they were set to get married.

The onlooker tells Us that Goth sported a large diamond ring on her engagement finger.

That wedding ceremony is going to happen in an elevator, it’s going to be 96 hours long, Shia is going to wear a paper bag with a tiny Sharpie bow tie on it, his best man will be his rattail weave and his vows will be every line he’s ever said in every movie he’s been in. Well, maybe Mia’s “something new” will be a pair of lace front eyebrow wigs. That’ll be one good thing to come out of that wedding.

And here’s some old pics of Shia wearing the hottest outfit he’s ever worn while walking with his future wife.

Pics: Wenn.com

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