If the show Oz taught me anything, it’s that Christopher Meloni’s bare ass is a muscled-up wonder that should be declared a national memorial. (I would totally go on a long, gross road trip if it meant that I could pay a visit to Christopher Meloni’s ass in between visiting Mount Rushmore and the Coronado National Memorial.) But Oz also taught me that being a convicted child toucher in prison is like being the most unpopular kid in a school full of ragey criminals who have spent hours chiseling a plastic toothbrush into a shank and can’t wait to use it. It’s hell. Not only do you have to deal with Mama June trying to woo you by sending spread-eagled pictures of her beautimous nakedness, but you also have to pick up your horse teeth off of the prison yard ground after a pedo-hating pepaw takes you to WhoopAPedoVille.
TMZ says that on January 29th, convicted pedophile Jared Fogle got jumped in the rec yard of Englewood Federal Correctional Institution in Colorado. That goes out to the messes who tell me that I only post depressing news. Documents show that 38-year-old Subway Jared was pushed to the ground and repeatedly punched by 60-year-old (auto-spell, don’t do me wrong now) Steve Nigg. Pedo Beating Steve is serving time for a gun conviction. Steve walked away from the ass beating with just a small cut on his hand. Jared, however, limped away with a bloody nose, a swollen face and neck scratches.
Steve was punished by being put in solitary confinement. TMZ talked to members of Steve’s family who pretty much shrugged and said, “Oh, he’s just being Stevie!”
We spoke to Nigg’s family and they’re not surprised. We’re told Steven’s pissed because so many child sex predators are housed in the low security facility, and Fogle was just the last straw.
The creepiest fast food mascot of all-time (and that’s saying a lot since Ronald McDonald exists) was sentenced to 15 years and he has to serve a minimum of 13 years. So it’s going to be a long 13 years for Jared. I have a feeling we’re going to hear about how a prisoner broke into the commissary and stole the entire supply of Honey Buns and that inmate is going to be Subway Jared, because he’s going to need them to really bulk up for prison fights or to drown his beaten down sorrows in.