So, I Guess Goopy Paltrow Didn’t Have Time To Get Her Vagina Steamed

March 16, 2016 / Posted by:

“Darling, will you be a dear and help a fellow Englishwoman out by holding my martini glass for a second? I must run off and feed my vagine a scoop of Moon Dust. It seems to be ravenous and is starting to chew on my onesie. Thanks, love!”Goopy Paltrow to Rosie Huntington-Whateverly right after that picture was taken.

The Hollywood Reporter named their Power Stylists of 2016 and Goopy Paltrow’s stylist Elizabeth Saltzman made the list, so last night, she showed up to a dinner in L.A. to celebrate the issue. Three things:

1. Yes, Goopy Paltrow wore this 70s space B-movie ridiculousness to an event honoring the most powerful stylists in Hollywood.  THAT is the pink hospital curtain ugliness that Elizabeth Saltzman chose to show off her styling skills. Maybe Elizabeth Saltzman is kind of like some of us? Maybe Elizabeth decided to fuck with Goopy. Maybe she told Goopy that she looks so hot and her pussy looks so perky in that jumpsuit, but then turned around and whispered to a style assistant, “She looks like Mr. Blobby’s dick.” But well, looking like Mr. Blobby’s dick is still better than looking like you’re wearing a jumpsuit that Buffalo Bill made out of discarded foreskins. If Elizabeth Saltzman is screwing with her, I officially declare my love for Elizabeth Saltzman. Keep up the great work!

2. If Goopy was trying to go for the “fuck effort Gumby cosplay using waffle towels from the 99 Cent store” look, then she nailed it.

3. That jumpsuit sort of reminds me of that creepy Awkward-Family-Photo-gone-wrong picture that has haunted the Internet for years. Therefore that jumpsuit needs to be torched, and its ashes need to be stashed in a place that no soul will ever, ever find it (like behind a Mortdecai DVD at Best Buy).

Pics: Getty

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