Just when I was starting to think that today’s “news” day was as slow as Channing Tatum’s thought process when someone asks him what 3 ÷ 3 is, a BREAKING and totally real story from the 1950s popped up. This story about James Dean supposedly being Marlon Brando’s bottom boy sex slave comes from an unauthorized biography and excerpts were posted by The Daily Mail. So it’s practically as if Honest Abe told the story to Gandhi who told it to us. It’s that believable, it’s trustworthy and it’s fifty shades of YES.
In Marlon’s autobiography, Songs My Mother Taught Me, he writes that he first met James Dean on the set of East of Eden in 1954. But the messes behind the new unauthorized biography, James Dean: Tomorrow Never Comes, claim that the two actually met in 1949. The completely truthful biography is based on conversations with sources and gossiping bitches who knew James Dean before his death in 1955. The book says that James and Brando first met at the Actors Studio in NYC. A then 18-year-old James Dean was an acting student and a then 25-year-old Brando gave a speech to the class because he was hot shit after starring in A Streetcar Named Desire on Broadway. James Dean supposedly introduced himself to Brando as “his biggest fan” and that led to them talking which led to them sucking face. I’ll give you a minute to take your pants off and get the lotion.
James Dean and Marlon Brando became secret gay lovers after that night. James told his friends that Marlon was the top daddy master in the relationship and controlled their fuck times. They allegedly got into some rough shit and regularly had S&M sessions. James asked Brando to burn his body with cigarettes. Brando also supposedly made James watch him do strangers, because he got off on tormenting James. It was a “cat and mouse” game between the two with Brando being the cat, of course. This mess of a book also says that James was madly in love with Brando, but Brando could never love him back. Because Brando’s heart belonged to Brando. Composer Alec Wilder, who was one of James “Jimmy” Dean’s friend is quoted as saying this:
“They were definitely a couple. Of course, the words ‘sexual fidelity’ would be unknown in each of their vocabularies. Jimmy and I used to sit and talk for hours in my room at the Algonquin Hotel (in New York). He kept me abreast of the affair. I really believe that Jimmy fell in love with Brando that year. As for Brando, I don’t think he ever loved Jimmy. I met Brando only three times and each time he was with Jimmy. In my opinion, Brando was in love with Brando.”
The foolery doesn’t end there. The book adds that James Dean had a threesome with Walt Disney and My Fair Lady director George Cukor. If you need a palate cleanser after reading that, think of those images your mind gave birth to while reading about Brando-on-Dean.
This is like the kind of fanfic someone’s old gay uncle would write after he watched Fifty Shades of Grey on cable one night, and I hope they turn it into an entire series. What was James Dean’s safe word and how many orgies did they have with Vivien Leigh at that gas station brothel? These are questions I need fake answers to. I also hope they turn this into a movie. If they can turn that fake-road trip with Brando, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson into a movie, they can turn this into a movie. And no, James Franco, you can’t play James Dean AND Marlo Brando.