Clearly the greatest excuse ever for not getting with someone goes to Romy and Michele for “Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.” But there’s also room to learn and grow. Today we’ll be taking notes from Sally Field in the art of dumping someone. We’ll – or at least just me and Michael – also be sitting in on Huh? 101 because the dumpee in this situation was Johnny Carson and I had no idea they’d dated. Yes, this revelation has sent me reeling, I feel dizzy, what a world, what a world.
Sally was on What What Happens Live (via HuffPo) and during a game of Plead the Fifth she told gay, hungry lizard Andy Cohen all about the time she faked her way out of dating Johnny Carson. For the record, she did not plead the fifth on any of the questions. Good for her! Andy brought up a little nugget from a memoir that Johnny’s lawyer published in 2013 in which he revealed that Sally and Johnny dated. Andy asked Sally to describe the relationship and said, “the octopus and the reluctant little guppy.” That sounds like some straight up anime porn shit. There’s always tentacles in every place in anime porn. I wonder if Sally knows that. Do you think Sally watches anime porn?
In any case, Andy went on to ask, “he was all hands with you?” Sally kind of nods yes but more so turns the conversation to the fact that she’s never been one who can say no to people:
“I was never a person who knew how to say no to people. When it came down to things, I said, ‘Yeahhh!’ Ultimately the only way I could get out of many things was to tell people I had lost my mind. I told him — Johnny, I think it was — I told him I was having a breakdown and being sent away. I couldn’t figure out how just to say I’m really am just not into this. I just said, ‘I’m so sorry. I have to go away. They’re putting me in a home.'”
Slow. Clap. Slow clap, Sally. Well played. Excellent. And all the yes to you, madam. I’m gonna take a page out of her book and start using this excuse. It one ups the go to I have now, diarrhea, and offers a wider range of use. Diarrhea is fleeting, but mental illness, ah, mental illness lasts a lifetime! I guess she’s spent a long time preparing for when she played Mary Todd Lincoln in Lincoln. That’s a professional! Let’s all raise our Sunday morning drink to Sally Field! Cheers!