Believe it or not, this is not another story from The Daily Mail’s more trustworthy American sister The National Enquirer. This is from the New York Daily News who did an exposé on one of the saddest mysteries of today: What has happened to sequins-embedded dandelion of happiness Richard Simmons?
Over a year ago, every rainbow in the sky dimmed, Spandex lost its shininess and most b-holes lost the ability to pucker, because what was the point now that Richard Simmons was reportedly in a bad place. He hadn’t been seen in public for almost a year. Back then it was reported that the glitter wand in shiny freakum shorts was full of the sads after a busted knee kept him from making the world a happier place with his hot moves. Richard needed knee surgery, but he kept putting it off and it left him in a state of pure sadness. At the time, Richard said on Facebook that it’s been tough for him, because his injury forced him to press pause on entertaining the public.
Fast forward to last December when TMZ reported that the LAPD visited Richard’s house after one of his friends sent an email to L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit. The friend believed that a cunt-hearted piece of devil trash was abusing our national treasure. The cops spoke to Richard for around 15 minutes and said he was relaxed and articulate. They didn’t have any reason to believe that anything wrong was happening. Richard’s manager burped up a statement about how he’s happily living out of the spotlight and quietly doing charity work. That was that until today.
The NYDN published a long piece about the disappearance of 67-year-old Richard Simmons and spoke to several of his friends who haven’t seen him in a long time. They’ve tried to see him, but Richard’s housekeeper Teresa Reveles allegedly won’t let them. The NYDN mostly spoke to Mauro Oliveira, one of Richard’s friends who used to work as his massage therapist and assistant. Mauro met Richard in 2013 and the two quickly became close. Mauro says that his backdoor hump hole has never been touched by Richard’s disco stick and vice versa. They’re strictly friends.
Mauro says that the last time he saw Richard was in April 2014 after he was summoned to the Hollywood Hills mansion of the once-hyper swan. Richard told Mauro that they could no longer be friends and that he just wanted to be by himself in his house. Mauro tried to talk to Richard and offered him a massage. When they started to make their way up to Richard’s bedroom on the second floor, Teresa Reveles stopped them. Teresa kicked Mauro out and Richard sided with his housekeeper. Before Mauro left, he supposedly asked Richard, “Is she controlling your life now?” Richard said “yes” before Mauro left. I know, I haven’t even gotten into the bruja shit yet and this is already the saddest and most riveting Lifetime movie ever.
Mauro, who admits that Richard has helped him out with money, says that before that day, things were seven layers of strange. Richard wasn’t acting like himself and would have manic episodes. Mauro believes that Teresa, Richard’s manager and his brother are pulling the puppet strings of his life and are basically holding him hostage. Mauro also made a sharp right turn into American Horror Story: Coven territory when he said that he thinks Teresa cast a spell on Richard.
“I think tormented is the best word to describe his mental state,” Oliveira says. “I think it was (caused by) black magic, witchcraft. That’s not close to your culture, but to my culture in Brazil, and to Mexicans” — Teresa Reveles is from Mexico — “that is a real thing. They invoke the spirits. They light black candles, and red and blue candles. I’ve never participated. I only saw from a distance. But at services, they do special meals. They offer meals to the bad spirits, and light candles, invoking with words.”
Even with all that dark bruja stuff, I was with Mauro, until an “errrrrr” look covered my face after the NYDN said that he’s self-published a living fairy tale e-book about what he thinks is going on with Richard’s life. The book titled King Rich and the Evil Witch is about a goofy king (Richard Simmons) who becomes rich and famous in the Kingdom of LA LA Land when he helps his obese subjects get healthy. But the king brings darkness into his life when he hires a servant who turns out to be a witch (Teresa Reveles). The witch tries to go after the king’s kingdom and riches. Mauro hopes to turn it into a Broadway play.
Mauro brought up the witchcraft messiness again. Mauro says that for a birthday present one year, Richard paid for a $30,000 water well that an orphanage in Brazil desperately needed. Mauro grew up in that orphanage. During the trip to Brazil to attend the opening of the well, Mauro says that Richard got beyond bitchy with him:
“I went into his room and said, ‘Richard, are you ready?’ And he already started being bipolar: ‘Don’t rush me!’ I had just asked in a nice way. Then, as we were driving from Sao Paulo to Campinas, he started humiliating me in front of the driver, in front of everybody, in front of Michael. Just being a tormented person. It’s extremely hard to explain to you how someone is when they are tormented by a bad force. That’s the thing. Fucking Teresa is putting black magic on him. Like I put in the book.”
Richard didn’t want to be interviewed for the NYDN’s piece, but his manager said that he’s living the private life at home and also working on several projects.
There’s a lot more to the NYDN’s piece and you can read it all here if you want.
Mauro pimping out his weird book aside, the whole story is beyond sad-inducing. Like I’ve said before, if Richard is retired and spending his days resting his hurt knee on a pool boy’s back as another pool boy delicately feeds him grapes dipped in hummingbird juice, then that’s good. He deserves it. But if Richard’s friends are right and he’s in a dark, sad place, someone needs to get La Bruja from the Real Housewives of Miami on a plane to Los Angeles, so she can use her white magic powers to save him. #FreeRichard!