Gwyneth Paltrow Flies Commercial, Shocks World

March 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Totally normal and down to earth backyard pizza oven enthusiast and hawker of shit that, really, no one needs, Gwyneth Goopy Paltrow is back talkin’ bout her ssssoooooo amazing life. Yes, she is consciously uncoupled. And yes, she can give you the best recipe ever for $64 potato salad. But! But! Did you know that she also travels? She does! A lot, actually! And not just for work. No. For fun too!

The New York Times asked Goopy Goop some questions and she gave them some answers on the topic of her plane hopping, big ballin’ travel life. The most shocking thing to come out of the interview is that she flies commercial. Yes! Commercial! Can you even?! As per usual, she doesn’t get many points in the “interesting” column but she does manage to be the Goopiest version of her true Goop self.

Do you have a regular routine you follow when you’re on planes?

I drink tons of water, and I have a vitamin sachet that I put in it. Also, I moisturize my skin and put on a mask. I try not to eat rubbish either. I’ll pack salad and fruit. If I’m going on an overnight flight, I’ll drink whiskey or a glass of wine and then go to sleep, but on day flights, I try not to drink. When I land, I try to find a sauna to sit in for 20 minutes to help me sweat out all the germs from the plane.

She makes out like she’s a no muss, no fuss traveler, even saying later on in the interview that she rarely does checked baggage (YEAH RIGHT) but she needs to sauna after a flight?! A sauna. Really? To “sweat out the germs from the plane“? I know full well that planes are filthy bacteria incubators but did she really need to drop that fancyism? She says steam cleaning your pussy is the way to go, so I guess I’m not all that surprised. Can we get real for a second though? What she means when she says “germs from the plane” is “filthy fucking peasant germs“. She needs to sauna away the breath of the poor, unwashed masses. What surprises me most is that she doesn’t talk about having her lungs and organs reupholstered after having to share air with the commoners. Gwyneth, you keep doing you and we’ll keep looking over our sunglasses at you as we sip boxed wine imported from the grocery store via my car. Cheers.

Pic: Wenn

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