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March 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Breath Blasters!

Only in the 80s could there have been an ICK NAST line of toys that made kids physically sick. Breath Blasters were plastic toys that had the looks of the demons that possess some of the bodies of the presidential nominees and they let out a nasty stank that’d even give Brad Pitt the heaves. Breath Blasters came out sometime in the mid-80s and there were several of them including Dogbreath, Mackerel Mouth, Deathbreath, Ms. Morningmouth and Victor Vomit. The air in the 80s was definitely infused with crack smoke, because us children and our parents must’ve been higher than high for wanting to spend actual money to get sick. But then again, the air of today may be infused with crack smoke too since messes spend actual money on music (read: Iggy Azalea, Skillrex, etc…) that makes their ear drums combust.

The whole point of Breath Blasters were for kids to spray that grossness at their friends. I don’t think I was ever lucky enough to get blasted in the face with a cloud of grossness coming out of a Breath Blaster, so I don’t know what it smelled like. But apparently, it was so sick-smelling that it made some children actually barf. “Lightweights!” said Amber Heard before sucking the face of the living Breath Blaster that is Johnny Depp.

According to the Internet, Breath Blasters were eventually banned because the Miley Cyrus mouth queef-like vapors were found to be toxic. In the Breath Blasters commercial below (it plays after the Rude Ralph commercial), a little boy makes a little girl pass out by spraying that fog of Russell Brand burps at her.

I’m going to need CNN to stop covering all that boring political shit and get their investigative reporters to find out if that little girl is okay and didn’t die from inhaling that toxic ass poison.

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