The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!
Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do:
Jodie Sweetin, DUH. She’s paired with Keo Motsepe.
Mischa Barton, star of The O.C. and the basic channel Lindsay Lohan. She’s paired with Artem Chigvintsev.
Kim Fields, Tootie from Facts of Life and the wrench that messes up Kenya Moore’s twirl on Real Housewives of Atlanta. She’s paired with Sasha Farber.
Marla Maples, star of Todd Solondz’s Happiness and Jabba the Trump’s second wife. She’s paired with Tony Dovolani.
Nyle DiMarco, hot piece and the first deaf competitor/winner of America’s Next Top Model. He’s paired with Peta Murgatroyd.
Wanya Morris, member of Boyz II Men. He’s paired with Lindsay Arnold.
Antonio Brown, football player and one of the tricks who brought a “who?” out of me. He’s paired with Sharna Burgess.
Geraldo Rivera, AILF (abuelo I’d like to fuck) and noted flying chair target. He’s paired with Edyta Sliwinska.
Ginger Zee, weather anchor on GMA. She’s paired with Val Chmerkovskiy.
Von Miller, Denver Broncos player and I only know his name because I had to watch the Super Bowl. He’s paired with Witney Carson.
Doug Flutie, former football player and he’s the second trick who brought a “who? out of me. He’s paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Paige VanZant, MMA person and the last trick who brought a “who?’ out of me. She’s paired with Mark Ballas.
ABC probably begged Kimmy Gibbler to do it, but she’s a saint who knows that she’d outshine all of those dull lessers and it’s time for some basics to get a little time in the spotlight. So they asked Stephanie Tanner instead. I’m okay with that as long as she does an encore performance of her legendary Love Shack dance.