The blindfold on every Lady Justice statue in this country is filling with a thousand tears, because nothing has ever made them more proud of the judicial system like Hulk Hogan testifying in a court room that his dick is not 10 inches long. What a proud moment for this country.
Giant piece of smoked salmon jerky Hulk Hogan and Gawker are currently battling it to the death in a court room in St. Petersburg, FL. Hulk and his wishbone stache are suing Gawker for $100 million for invading his privacy by posting a video of the Hulkster running wild on his friend’s pussy. (Actually, I’ve seen the video. He doesn’t run wild. It’s more of a slow out-of-breath stroll.) Hulk didn’t know he was being filmed when he pounded his charbroiled salchicha into Heather Clem, the then-wife of his friend Bubba the Love Sponge. The sex tape was recorded on security cameras in Bubba and Heather’s the bedroom. Hulk also sued Bubba, but they settled the case for $5,000 and a public “I”m Sowwy.” Gawker and Hulk Hogan tried to work out a deal, but they couldn’t come to an agreement. So they’re in court.
Today was day two of the trial, and The New York Post says that Hulk took the stand where he had to answer questions about the size of the Hannah’s pickled sausage between his legs. Hulk previously testified that the video completely humiliated him, so I guess Gawker’s lawyers wanted to drop a wet fart bubble on that testimony. So they pulled out interviews from The Howard Stern Show and The Bubba The Love Sponge Show where he talked about his sex life and how his crotch python is 10 inches long. When Gawker’s lawyer brought that up, Hulk just said that he was playing the character of Hulk Hogan:
When asked if he was actually “discussing the length of your penis,” Hogan said: “Well, it’s not mine, because mine is not the size we’re discussing.”
“Seriously?” Gawker lawyer Michael Sullivan asked.
“No, seriously. I do not have a 10-inch penis,” Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, answered.
When Sullivan then asked if the 2006 radio discussion involved “Hulk Hogan’s penis,” Hogan said “Yes.”
“Because Terry Bollea’s penis is not 10 inches, like you’re trying to say,” Hogan added.
See, everything is better in Florida even jury duty. When I did jury doody not too long ago, the case I was up for was some boring shit about a car theft situation. But in Florida, when you do jury duty you get to watch Hulk Hogan testify in front of the judge and everyone that his dick is not 10 inches long. And he wore his super serious testifyin’ bandanna while doing so.
But seriously, smug Jon Hamm is probably somewhere snickering at this. Because if he was ever asked to testify about his dick size in court, he wouldn’t have to say anything. The Hammaconda itself would slither up to the stand, sit in the chair, take a sip of water to clear its throat (yes, it has a throat) and testify that it’s 10 inches…on a cold day….while crouching.